Shit We Malaysians Say

Can’t believe we’re already entering the final day of August. And we all know what important day is it on the 31^st of August. It’s both Richard Gere and Chris Tucker’s birthday!

Alright I kid. Do I look that unpatriotic to you? (The acceptable answer is ‘no’)

It’s that one day where we Malaysians gather as one to commemorate our forefathers’ effort in fighting for the nation’s independence – though my constitutional law lecturer may disagree with the notion that we “fought” for independence since there was no bloodshed or laborious hunger strikes, but it’s all irrelevant now anyway – On this very fateful day, we celebrate the fact that we no longer have a colonial master dictating our way of living. Today, we celebrate our Hari Merdeka.

In conjunction with Malaysia’s 55^th Independence Day, the author or vincephilosophy.com would like to present a little insight on how we Malaysians actually speak.

Come on, we have to admit, we Malaysians do speak with a certain lingo. There are some things that most of us Malaysians have blurted out verbally at some point in life. Whether you like it or not, it is part of us. And to reinforce my submission, I quote the very chic Katy Perry in one of her famous ballads,

“This is a part of me that you’ll never gonna ever take away from me, no. Throw your sticks and stones; throw your bombs and your blows. But you’re never gonna break my so-oooo-oul.”

Unquote.

Okay, maybe quoting Perry wasn’t the best of ideas, but I’m not very learned in penning down fancy authentic quotes, so pardon my ignorance. Besides, I didn’t quote anything from Gangnam Style, so don’t send in any e-mails and call me stupid.

Anyways, back to my subject. I give you – Shit We Malaysians Say. Do note that this post is not in anyway disgracing anyone in particular. It’s a humorous observation of our daily happenings and written solely for entertainment purposes.

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Bro, remember that pothole our car ran into yesterday? They fixed it already this morning. Very efficient system we have here.

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: Bro, remember that pothole our car ran into yesterday? They’re fixing it now man. Elections must be coming soon I’m telling you.

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Bro, remember that pothole our car ran into last month? Ah, until now still notchet fix.

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Look, the traffic police are setting up roadblocks. I’m so proud that our police care for our safety on the road and really appreciate their effort. I will cooperate in anyway I could to assist these role models of society.

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: My goodness, roadblock again. See lah, causing traffic jam only.

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Roadblock? Confirm cari makan ni.

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: I think the government has a point.

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: I think the government may have made some mistakes on that decision.

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Bloody government what the hell niama @#$% stupid idiots @#$% bapak dia @#$%! Time to change government!

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Even though I’m a Member of Parliament, I would go through this traffic congestion alongside my fellow Malaysian counterparts and not abuse my privileges by having outriders.

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: I’m a Member of Parliament and I have very important parliamentary duties to attend to. It’s justified for me to use outriders when I’m on the road.

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Eh tepi tepi *sirens flashing, honks blowing* VIP lalu. Oi tepi, TEPI!

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Don’t think it’s necessary for us to take the RM500 from the Bantuan Rakyat 1Malaysia scheme. That money could be used for other agendas, like beautifying our National Park.

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: Hmm, where got enough lah this RM500?

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: OI! GAHMEN GIVING OUT MONEY FASTER GO QUEUE UP AND TAKE FORM!

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: We need more libraries and museums.

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: We need more schools and hospitals.

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: We need wider roads and lesser traffic lights dammit you know how jam is it every morning?!

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Oh yes, finally it’s time to pay my taxes! I’ve been waiting just for this!

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: Oh boy, time to pay my taxes again.

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: What the hell? What do you mean I’m not entitled to a tax rebate with this receipt? I’ve donated to the Society of Prevention of Cruelty on Duckfaced Teenagers; it’s a completely legitimate charity organisation!

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Malaysians competing in the Olympics? Why should I care?

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: Malaysians competing in the Olympics? Maybe I should just watch out of morale support for my country.

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: OMG LEE CHONG WEI WON THE SILVER MEDAL!!! IT’S OKAY DATO LEE DON’T CRY LAH, WE’RE SO PROUD OF YOU!!! LIN DAN DIDN’T DESERVED IT ANYWAY IDIOT TOOK OFF SHIRT WANNA SHOW OFF SOMEMORE WHAT IS THIS STRIP CLUB MEH??!!

Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: *Upon hearing a foreigner condemning our country* Haha yeah I totally agree with this guy who had just made the nastiest remark about Malaysia. I loved what he just said. He is my idol.

Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: * Upon hearing a foreigner condemning our country* Hey, that’s not right of him to say that. Maybe he has a point. But still, he shouldn’t have said that.

Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Upon hearing a foreigner condemning our country* EHHH WHAT THE HECK?! Who do you think you are? It’s MY country you’re talking bad about, screw off man! You can mess with any other country but not ours. GO DIE FAR FAR PLEASE!

Well, truth is that we Malaysians may have a lot of unpleasant traits in us. But hey, we’re human after all and this is how we were all brought up, so there’s nothing much we can do about it. We can, however, embrace these traits and stand united as one nation. Though we may be different in cultural practices, religious beliefs and political inclination, it doesn’t stop us from being the Malaysians that we are.

Being Malaysian is not about being a perfect-role-model citizen; it’s about sharing a common understanding that this country is our home. And we’ll do just about anything to cherish this home we live in.

Selamat Hari Merdeka ke-55!

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Outfit of the Day ft. Joel Wong and Nicole Chang

It’s that time of the year again!

Er okay, I have no idea what time of the year am I talking about so we’ll just skip that awkward introduction thank you very much.

So today, we have two very special guest-bloggers here on vincephilosophy.com. It’s a collaborated post on the topic of Outfit of the Day or when abbreviated simply spells OOTD. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Joel of www.leonhart90.blogspot.com and Nicole of www.nicccchang.com!

I think this post should be an awesome piece, since we have two very learned bloggers on the vogue of fashion that contributed to this article. We have a lusciously slim, exquisite-looking sexy blogger who’s not afraid to put on the trendiest outfit and show the world what real fashion is. And I’m not even talking about Nicole yet.

Well, here is Joel’s take on OOTD alongside Nicole, who was gracious enough to loan us her really pretty self in collaboration of this blog post.

Note: DON’T JUST SCROLL DOWN TO SEE PICTURES OF THE PRETTY GIRL!

Outfit of the Day by Joel Wong

When I started Instagramming (because it was mainstream and I didn’t want to be left out), I noticed that most of the girls I followed posted pictures with the hashtag #ootd. I was confused at first because #ootd sounds a lot like what a baby would say, y’know, if babies could Instagram. But no, these were perfectly normal girls who took perfectly normal pictures of themselves. I know because I tend to…er…diligently admire all of their pictures.

So I put this one question in the back of my mind and went back to enjoying their pictures. It didn’t get resolved until I noticed a male friend of mine who started to use the #ootd hashtag as well. Since I didn’t want to get left behind (I’m big on mainstream things, in case I didn’t make myself clear enough), I approached (through Twitter message) the only person I knew who won’t insult me for my lack of knowledge, Nicole Chang. She’s an avid Instagrammer and often uses the #ootd hashtag in her pictures.

“#ootd?” she asked cutely, because I can totally feel the cuteness radiating from the pixelated text on my computer screen. “That means outfit of the day lah.”

It was at that point of time that I decided to be a part of this noble quest to share with the world my #ootd. Of course, I have no idea how to #ootd so I had to ask Nicole for a lot of tips. Below is one week’s worth of #ootd. I must warn you beforehand, it may get a little...weird.

Monday

Nicole’s first #ootd is a bit difficult to copy since she has an extra accessory. Hmmm…this may be more difficult than I imagined it to be. I didn’t know you need to bring in your friends as part of your accessories in an #ootd.

Tuesday

Ah, today’s #ootd is much easier. Keep it simple and light. Also, my shoes seem to get all the attention. They really deserve it. They are the only pair I wear.

Wednesday

This seems relatively simple. Unfortunately, most of my clothes are in the wash so I’ll have to modify yesterday’s T-shirt a little. Also, I have no super short, shorts so I took the liberty to roll my jeans up. Yes, I only have one pair of jeans.

Thursday

I see the trick already. For a good #ootd shot, you must show your bed in the background. Luckily my room is tiny so I don’t really have a choice but to show my bed. If you notice, again the same rolled up jeans. Since Nicole is wearing layers, I’m just going to follow her example. Just following the sifu.

Friday

At last, something I am very comfortable in. Jeans and a…sleeveless tank top? I don’t have a sleeveless tank top so I’ll just have to improvise.

Saturday

I don’t know if this is a thing but apparently wearing branded clothing also includes non-clothing brands like Starbucks. What is that? Batman is not-hey buddy, Batman is still a brand okay? Because he’s Batman. Also, I have no idea how Nicole did it but she transformed her mattress bed into a freaking double decker. I don’t have powers like that so I’ll just ignore it.

There you have it. I think most of you have you heads buried in the ground, trying to forget what you have just seen. It has been proven. Guys cannot #ootd if our lives depended on it. It’s not that I’m not fashionable, I just don’t have that many different pairings to match my clothes. If you don’t believe me, go right on down to my blog, where Vince has given his own views on the entire phenomenon of #ootd, and also a few of his own #ootds as well.

Cheerios!

-End-

There you have it guys, give it up for Joel and Nicole! Don’t forget to head on over to Joel’s blog to see my take on this OOTD routine. Be warned that there may be some very disturbing images of yours truly and prior apologies for the nightmares that I’ll be causing in the next few nights.

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The Truth About Bananas

My entire childhood I was being lied to.

To those of you who had me convinced that banana was a fruit, I hate y’all.

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A Short Story I Wrote

So recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time reading certain genre of novels that I’ve never thought I would ever flip open, even if you told me there was free bacon in it. It certainly opened my eyes to a whole new literary world, like literally; I had to open my eyes to read.

And guess what, I’ve decided to give short-story writing a try.

Since it’s only starters, my story will be kinda short. But no worries, I’m learning and improving. I promise.

Here goes.

The Tale of a Wrecked Train

It was a gloomy Monday morning. Once again, the horrid grasp of Monday has returned, haunting swarms of half-awake, grouchy middle-class working individuals. The routine of waking up and getting to work on a Monday is deemed to be morbidly tormenting, as though the Satan himself is manifesting his finest craftsmanship.

Train stations were crowded with commuters, all clad in their occupational attires. Some in their neatly-pressed Pierre Cardin shirt, some in their Donna Karen formal wear, some just plain T-shirt to reflect the wearer’s boredom of his mundane lifestyle. But they were all there for a sole purpose – board a train to work. On this fateful day however, the wait was unusually long, something must have happened to their train. Something terrible, as those present had feared.

Time was ticking. Those poor commuters were going to be late for work, a sin only the rich, capitalist-minded business owners can afford to indulge in.

Glances of anxiety were thrown around. The sight of people tilting their heads downwards every moving minute just to look at the watch became common. The air around the waiting platform began to soak itself with a faint stench from the sweats of impatient waiting. Just then, a croaked announcement made its way through the station’s PA system.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some technical difficulties with our system and the train will only arrive 15 minutes later.”

Sure enough, the train did arrive 15 minutes later and everyone went to work. Normal activities resumed and nothing interesting happened anymore.

-The end.-

Am I doing it right? Well, I did say it was gonna be kinda short...

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Something About Lin Dan’s Marriage

First and foremost, a big thank you and congratulations to our national hero, Dato Lee Chong Wei on his recent silver medal victory in the London 2012 Olympics. Though you may have lost to Lin Dan, you’ve won the love and unity of many Malaysians. Speaking of Lin, I paid a visit to his Wikipedia page a few days back and I stumbled upon this edited paragraph (which was a prank edit, I know) that sounded so wrong so many levels.

  
Looks like someone took the term “MILF” a tad too literally.

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The Horror Of Chatroulette

I've started hanging out on Chatroulette recently, this little video-chat site where you get paired-up with random strangers from all over the globe, or so it claims. If you'd been on Chatroulette before, you'll know it's inevitable for you to be paired-up with dudes who are stroking their cylindrical muscle of pleasure. Or in simpler terms, masturbating. The sight is pretty revolting, so this is how I usually react when I see a dude jacking off on Chatroulette.

Wait, if I actually died from that gunshot, who's posting this right now?!

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