Shit We Do During CNY

Every Chinese New Year, millions of dollars are spent by the Chinese community, according to the Spending of Hua-ren Altogether Institution (SOHAI). A private research bureau that has yet to receive recognition from our national statistic’s department.

With the recent economical slump that has hit our nation all so badly; I find this figure we spent during this festive season to be a little outrageous. I mean, there are so many unnecessary things that can be eliminated from our CNY expenditure list. Overspend. But here’s the thing, we are proud to overspend. We want to overspend. We NEED to overspend. Or else when our uncles and aunties come over, they will say that our father never got his bonus this year coz he was a lazy bum. Face water will drop. Then our father will be depressed, humiliated and angered. Then we won’t get our angpows. Cannot lah liddat!

But here’s the thing, we spend on things that we don’t really need and don’t spend on things that we really need. Weird? No, it’s all about being Chinese. It’s in our blood, or our dragon blood, as some calls it. So in fact Dragon Ball would actually mean…well, you know where this is going.

But of course, our pee-pee ain’t that tiny as how those cartoons portrayed it.

I’m not against celebrating the Lunar New Year or whatnot, but to be honest, the above is just one of the few shits we do during CNY. Here’s a list of the rest:

1. Put up Chinese New Year decorative one week before the celebration. Take it down one week after the 15 days celebration. Keep said decorative in the store-room so that you can use it again for 8 more years. 10, if you use high-quality stuffs.

2. Put up Chinese New Year decorative one week before the celebration. Leave it there for the next 8 years. 10, if you use high-quality stuffs.

3. Drive all the way to Tesco which is like 12 kilometres further than your regular Jusco because their carton of Tiger beer is cheaper by RM3.99. Never mind that you have to spend more on petrol, beer more important. Where can celebrate CNY without alcohol? Lose face lah!

4. Take out all the fancy cups and saucer from the kitchen cabinet and spend 45 minutes cleaning them out thoroughly. After finish cleaning the cups and saucer, shove them back into the kitchen cabinet so that you can do that again next year.

5. Finish one box of mandarin oranges before the first day of Chinese New Year. Then complain say got sore throat. Then tweet about it. Then seek attention. Just like me.

6. Attend the reunion dinner as late as possible. The later you arrive, the more ‘ong’ you gonna get in your new year. True story.

7. Once we receive our angpows, make up some lame stomach-ache excuse and run to the nearest toilet so that we can open our red packets to see how much we got. If we like what we see, we’ll come out smiling. If not, we’ll go out of the toilet without flushing our poo-poo.

8. Gambling, that will result in 2 scenarios. One, blow up the entire year’s savings. Two, don’t have to save money anymore for the entire year.

9. After finish tossing the yee-sang, only eat the tiny crispy thingy and neglect the other contents.

10. Only time you’ll get to see your drunken uncle trying to tell your drunken aunty how beautiful she is. And then they start fighting.

11. Blow a few hundred bucks on fireworks and fire-crackers. Light them all over the place. Then spend the whole of next morning cleaning up the mess from the fireworks and fire-crackers.

12. After 15 days of celebration, update your Facebook status or tweet about how the Chinese New Year went by so quickly and that you miss it already.

But meh, what’s CNY without all these shit? These are the little things that make up the whole festival. Gong Xi Fa Chai! Huat ah!

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Challenge: Live Forever

Challenge: To live on this planet forever.

Progress: So far so good. Today will be the first day of my 20th year carrying out this challenge. Wish me luck.

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Pranking, The Law Student Way

As some of you might know, I am reading law in this little college called BAC.

And we law undergraduates at BAC, take pranks very seriously.

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Nuffnang Volkswagen Test Drive – Passat CC

"The word 'swag' is in Volkswagen because they totally deserved it." – Anonymous (Well, this was my quote actually, but I'm modest enough to not put my name up)

Reluctantly speaking, I do consider myself a small-time automotive enthusiast. So when Volkswagen came knocking on my door asking me to ride it, I said the most powerful word in the entire English vocabulary arsenal – yes.

Once in a while, I do pay a visit to the local newsstand to grab a copy of Top Gear. Every now and then, I’ll spend some time on automotive related websites, crunching on the latest news and happenings relating to the four-wheeled beauties. I don’t see myself as a hardcore fanatic when it comes to cars, but I do have a fair working knowledge about them. Like how superchargers and turbochargers and phone-chargers work, yeah, no big deal.

Now, Volkswagen. It all started some few days ago when Nuffnang sent me an e-mail inviting me for a test drive session. Well, if you’ve never test driven a car which you are certain that it is fairly impossible for you to purchase it, here’s what it felt like – going on a dinner date with a super-hot girl that your father’s disgustingly rich boss had set up for you. The super-hot girl, who attended that date with you only because she had to give face to your father’s disgustingly rich boss, will pretend to have a good time with you and when dessert had been devoured, said super-hot girl will disappear from your very sight within split seconds and never to be seen again. Gosh, I have a very terrible childhood I tell you.

But let’s put this whole ‘girl thingy’ aside shall we? Today we’ll talk about wheels, torque and a fine touch of German automotive engineering.

So the test drive session was at Desa Park City (no, it’s not at Desa Water Park lah, we’re testing cars, not motor-boats, dummy) and by jolly was it fine day to show some Volkswagen car who’s boss.

I had a go at the Passat CC. No, the CC is not the abbreviation for cyber-café. And no, it is not a car for sissies. Gee, you people and your ridiculous stereotypes.

Equipped with a 2.0-litre engine, this beauty can be crowned the mother of luxury-lined cars. Its body design portrays a sharp display of exclusiveness and one can expect a stare of respect towards an upper-classed executive from a wretched bystander when you cruise pass them in your Passat CC.

This car may look heavy (well, it is in fact one of the heavier Volkswagen models) and may appear to be a slow-coach ride. Well, did I not mention that the Passat CC is turbocharged and it boasts a maximum torque of 280Nm at 1,700-5,000 rpm? Can’t digest this car jargons? Okay, I’ll illustrate my experience when I was behind the wheels.

After cruising in a somewhat slumber pace, I’ve decided to overtake a Mercedes-Benz. So I engaged the car in sports-mode (which is like Dragon Ball dude going into the whole Super Saiyan mode where he becomes undefeatable) and gently applied some force on the accelerator. Note the word, gently. Immediately, I felt an invisible push on my whole upper-body and I was taken further back into my seat. It was physics at its best. My Passat CC accelerates fiercely whilst making loud roars at the Mercedes-Benz, as if to say, “Get out of my way, bitch.”

It only took me 4 seconds before the Mercedes-Benz was in my rear-view mirror. And another 3 seconds before it disappears behind the dust and debris left over by the powerful sprint of the Passat CC that was under my very control. It wasn’t long before the Volkswagen sales rep beside me said, “See, it only took 7.7 seconds to reach 100 km/h from 0.” A tiny smile of satisfaction escaped from my lips.

Remember those good old days where we have to put our car into ‘free-gear’ and pull our handbrakes up so that our car will remain stationary instead of sliding backwards and risks ramming your car’s backside? The Passat CC brought that technology to a whole new level. It has this cute little ‘P’ button by the side of your car where you just have to give it a push and your car’s ‘handbrakes’ are engaged. Apparently, it uses some really canggih electromagnetic technology that even I don’t want to explain to you. Bleuk.

As for car keys? Boo your old-school technology. The Passat CC is pretty much like a woman. To activate this baby, you need to insert this batang.

Into this lubang.


Liddat only the fella can start roaring and running. But this is high-tech I tell you. Even I don’t want to explain to myself how it works.

As herculean as this hot beauty may sound, there are, however, some flaws that Volkswagen’s R&D department can take into serious consideration should they intend to come up with a newer version of the Passat CC.

The dashboard did not really express the ‘exclusive’ and ‘up-market’ kind of feeling. It looks somewhat, plain. A little too simple for a car of its class. The tachometer and speedometer did not justify the RM270,000 that I've paid for this car (metaphorically speaking). Besides that, the steering wheel wasn’t something appealing or a feature you can shout about. When driving, I felt like I was gripping on to a Proton Saga’s. Perhaps a little wooden finishing won’t hurt, will it?

But well, I’m not one who has too much to complain about. Moreover, I’m no Jeremy Clarkson. I’m just that blogger boy who hopes that one day his daddy will buy him a Passat CC.

I mean, look at that innocent face, who wouldn’t let him take home that Passat CC, right?

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There’s A Hair In My Flower!

That is correct, I am wearing a flower on my head.

Because wearing a cap is too mainstream.

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The Facebook Virgin

There, I've finally created a Facebook page. That means I'm no longer a virgin to Facebook.

Yeah, don't you like it when someone is not a virgin anymore? 'Like', get it? What? Cannot crack lame joke is it now?

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My Less Ambitious New Year Resolutions

It’s such a cliché to do New Year resolutions. Most of it involves big goals that seem somewhat realistic in the beginning but turns out to be more and more impossible to achieve as time goes by. Pretty much like eliminating the growth of Beilibers or Biebelers or whatever these Bieber fanatics call themselves.

People always make really fancy and extravagant resolutions in the light of a new year. And when they couldn’t achieve those resolutions, they’ll start kicking their own groin for making such stupid resolutions.

Like the old Malay saying goes, no matter how high the squirrel could jump, it’s gonna get shot down someday. And then made into stew or satay, poor squirrel. Oh wait, I don’t think that meant ‘the higher you aim, the more painful you fall’. But you get my point.

Hence, to avoid such disappointments and pain in the testicles, I’ve decided to come up with some less ambitious New Year resolutions.

• 1. I’m gonna be nicer towards people around me. Instead of yelling, cursing and swearing in their faces, I’ll only yell and curse, no swearing. I mean, nobody likes using the F-word right? It’s too mainstream.
• 
  2. It’s about time I started on more matured reading materials. So bye-bye Doraemon and hello Detective Conan.
• 
  3. Gonna start playing football more often. If possible, every other day. All I have to do now is to choose between FIFA 12 and Pro Evolution Soccer. Ahh, screw it, FIFA 12 it is. Now, where is that Playstation of mine…
• 
  4. Instead of getting six-packs on my abs, I’m gonna get one-and-a-half packs on my belly region by the end of this year. Hey, that half makes a lot of difference, okay?
• 
  5. I’ll live healthier this year. Instead of two Big Macs every week, I’m just gonna have one Big Mac. And perhaps a larger serving of fries to compensate.
• 
  6. No more driving out to mamak stalls for late night snack. It’s an unsound waste of petrol and pollution to the environment. Will call Pizza Hut’s home delivery instead.
• 
  7. Study on a more consistent basis. Instead of studying only when the internet is down, I’ll also study when it’s raining and Astro’s service are interrupted.
  
• 
  8. Cut down on alcohol. Oh wait, can’t do this.

Problem solved. I’m gonna end this year knowing that I’ll achieve each and everyone of my resolutions. I’m the man lah.

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A New Year Community Message

In this new year, be a part of a great cause.

And help end the violence against vegetables.

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Wrapping Up 2011

You know, this is my first post for 2012. And it’s customary for a lot of bloggers to list down whatever they’ve done through out the whole of last year. So yeah, here I am. Because I’m so mainstream.

The year took off with me being locked-up behind bars during my birthday. Did I drop the soap when I was in the slammers, you were asking? No I did not, asshole.

And then I decided to become an advice columnist. It didn’t pan out well and I don’t see why. I mean, I can really give good advice. Here, try me. Q: “My husband’s cheating on me, what should I do?” A: “Slip in some laxative and Viagra in his coffee. It is gonna be hilarious seeing him shat with a hard-on.”

See, am I good at this advice thingy or what?

Then I was given the honour (more like I took it upon myself shamelessly without invitation) to touch the Champions League trophy. It was orgasmic I tell you, caressing something that has been touched by so many legendary icons. Yeah, that was one slutty trophy all right.

The highlight of my year came when I was named Nuffnang’s Featured Blogger of the Month. It was like winning a Grammy’s or from the Asian perspective, a Golden Horse. Or was it a Golden Rooster, not too sure with my facts. But either way, it was AWESOME.

I then got my ridiculously long fringe clipped off. Kept it for quite a while, but hey, all good things must come to an end. Hey, the fringe was cool okay.

Moolah? Oh yeah, got a big fat cheque courtesy of Nuffnang. Yeah, it was so fat that it made Oprah looked like Beyonce. Okay, maybe not Beyonce, but let’s not get all fussy with names aite?

Then I kinda saw a pair of boobs at a party, no biggies.

Had my final A-level examinations somewhere in the middle of the year which I passed proudly with moderately floating colours. Yeah, I’m not a person who hungers perfection and excellence. You know, modesty?

And then there was this exclusive photo of me that was taken 15 years ago. Back then, I wasn’t so tall. But I was still adorable. True story.

Another awesome moment that I will not forget for the rest of my life was the meeting and touching (I sure love this, don’t I?) of footballers from my childhood club, Chelsea. Yeah, thanks to Nuffnang, I had the opportunity to meet almost each and everyone one from the club that I’ve grown up with. It was like orgasm (sorry, this is the only ‘good’ feeling I could think of), only 100 times awesomer.

I went on to become a property agent. Well, I still am. So call me if you want a roof over your head, I’ll be more than delighted to assist you.

Oh, on another note, a ‘distant relative’ of mine left RM31 million in assets and cash in my name. But being the humble down-to-earth me, I politely refused this unjust enrichment. I mean, me with RM31 million? Nah.

Wrote a story about my journey with Nuffnang, had me realising what a long way I’ve came through with Nuffnang. Without Nuffnang, I don’t think my blogging life would have been as colourful as it is today.

To think of it, 2012 will be my fourth blogging year (well, 3 and a half, to be precise, but let’s not get all mathematical, okay?). In all four years, I’ve met a lot of new and awesome people, attended events of all sorts, experience things that I would otherwise not have experienced if I wasn’t into blogging. Basically, blogging changed my life lah. Had to say it no matter how cliché it sounds.

To think of it, my 2011 wasn’t a bad one after all. Things were a little bumpy now and then, but hey, it’s time to put those things in the rearview mirror and focus on the windscreen right now. Because if you don’t, you’re gonna ram into some trees. Or street-lights. Or even donkeys. And then get yourself into a hospital. Maybe a coma. A coma, is that what you really want?

Here’s to a better 2012. Happy New Year everyone!

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