Can’t believe we’re already entering the final day of August. And we all know what important day is it on the 31st of August. It’s both Richard Gere and Chris Tucker’s birthday!
Alright I kid. Do I look that unpatriotic to you? (The acceptable answer is ‘no’)
It’s that one day where we Malaysians gather as one to commemorate our forefathers’ effort in fighting for the nation’s independence – though my constitutional law lecturer may disagree with the notion that we “fought” for independence since there was no bloodshed or laborious hunger strikes, but it’s all irrelevant now anyway – On this very fateful day, we celebrate the fact that we no longer have a colonial master dictating our way of living. Today, we celebrate our Hari Merdeka.
In conjunction with Malaysia’s 55th Independence Day, the author or vincephilosophy.com would like to present a little insight on how we Malaysians actually speak.
Come on, we have to admit, we Malaysians do speak with a certain lingo. There are some things that most of us Malaysians have blurted out verbally at some point in life. Whether you like it or not, it is part of us. And to reinforce my submission, I quote the very chic Katy Perry in one of her famous ballads,
“This is a part of me that you’ll never gonna ever take away from me, no. Throw your sticks and stones; throw your bombs and your blows. But you’re never gonna break my so-oooo-oul.”
Unquote.
Okay, maybe quoting Perry wasn’t the best of ideas, but I’m not very learned in penning down fancy authentic quotes, so pardon my ignorance. Besides, I didn’t quote anything from Gangnam Style, so don’t send in any e-mails and call me stupid.
Anyways, back to my subject. I give you – Shit We Malaysians Say. Do note that this post is not in anyway disgracing anyone in particular. It’s a humorous observation of our daily happenings and written solely for entertainment purposes.
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Bro, remember that pothole our car ran into yesterday? They fixed it already this morning. Very efficient system we have here.
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: Bro, remember that pothole our car ran into yesterday? They’re fixing it now man. Elections must be coming soon I’m telling you.
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Bro, remember that pothole our car ran into last month? Ah, until now still notchet fix.
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Look, the traffic police are setting up roadblocks. I’m so proud that our police care for our safety on the road and really appreciate their effort. I will cooperate in anyway I could to assist these role models of society.
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: My goodness, roadblock again. See lah, causing traffic jam only.
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Roadblock? Confirm cari makan ni.
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: I think the government has a point.
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: I think the government may have made some mistakes on that decision.
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Bloody government what the hell niama @#$% stupid idiots @#$% bapak dia @#$%! Time to change government!
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Even though I’m a Member of Parliament, I would go through this traffic congestion alongside my fellow Malaysian counterparts and not abuse my privileges by having outriders.
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: I’m a Member of Parliament and I have very important parliamentary duties to attend to. It’s justified for me to use outriders when I’m on the road.
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Eh tepi tepi *sirens flashing, honks blowing* VIP lalu. Oi tepi, TEPI!
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Don’t think it’s necessary for us to take the RM500 from the Bantuan Rakyat 1Malaysia scheme. That money could be used for other agendas, like beautifying our National Park.
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: Hmm, where got enough lah this RM500?
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: OI! GAHMEN GIVING OUT MONEY FASTER GO QUEUE UP AND TAKE FORM!
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: We need more libraries and museums.
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: We need more schools and hospitals.
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: We need wider roads and lesser traffic lights dammit you know how jam is it every morning?!
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Oh yes, finally it’s time to pay my taxes! I’ve been waiting just for this!
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: Oh boy, time to pay my taxes again.
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: What the hell? What do you mean I’m not entitled to a tax rebate with this receipt? I’ve donated to the Society of Prevention of Cruelty on Duckfaced Teenagers; it’s a completely legitimate charity organisation!
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: Malaysians competing in the Olympics? Why should I care?
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: Malaysians competing in the Olympics? Maybe I should just watch out of morale support for my country.
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: OMG LEE CHONG WEI WON THE SILVER MEDAL!!! IT’S OKAY DATO LEE DON’T CRY LAH, WE’RE SO PROUD OF YOU!!! LIN DAN DIDN’T DESERVED IT ANYWAY IDIOT TOOK OFF SHIRT WANNA SHOW OFF SOMEMORE WHAT IS THIS STRIP CLUB MEH??!!
Shit you’ll not hear in Malaysia: *Upon hearing a foreigner condemning our country* Haha yeah I totally agree with this guy who had just made the nastiest remark about Malaysia. I loved what he just said. He is my idol.
Shit you’ll probably hear in Malaysia: * Upon hearing a foreigner condemning our country* Hey, that’s not right of him to say that. Maybe he has a point. But still, he shouldn’t have said that.
Shit you’ll definitely hear in Malaysia: Upon hearing a foreigner condemning our country* EHHH WHAT THE HECK?! Who do you think you are? It’s MY country you’re talking bad about, screw off man! You can mess with any other country but not ours. GO DIE FAR FAR PLEASE!
Well, truth is that we Malaysians may have a lot of unpleasant traits in us. But hey, we’re human after all and this is how we were all brought up, so there’s nothing much we can do about it. We can, however, embrace these traits and stand united as one nation. Though we may be different in cultural practices, religious beliefs and political inclination, it doesn’t stop us from being the Malaysians that we are.
Being Malaysian is not about being a perfect-role-model citizen; it’s about sharing a common understanding that this country is our home. And we’ll do just about anything to cherish this home we live in.
Selamat Hari Merdeka ke-55!
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