To Touch A Bro Or Not To Touch

This is not widely known, but there is actually a convention governing the acceptable skin contact between one bro and another. Yes, an unwritten rule about the body regions a bro can touch and which regions a bro cannot touch. I swear I am not making this shit up.

And I also swear that I have no recollection of how many pints of beer I’ve downed whilst writing this blog post.

Anyways, this is a body map of a perfectly normal bro one might have.

Here is an indicator of what the colour represents.

Right, green represents the territory of a bro’s body where touching is perfectly acceptable and normal under any circumstances. Red on the other hand, is strictly off-limits and should at no point in time, come into contact with another bro’s skin. White-coloured areas are debatable as to the legitimacy of skin contact, depending on the varied situations.

Do observe that this whole practice is only applicable under normal daily circumstances between bros. In that sense, there are exceptions that render body contact to be legitimate. For instance, your penis got bitten by a poisonous snake and your bro is a doctor. Y’know, things like that.

Let me give you some simple illustrations with relation to this division. Starting with the regions that a bro can touch freely.

Hands

Perfectly acceptable to have skin-contact between hands because:

1. 
   1. Hands-shakes/palm-locking improve one’s relationship with another and could at the same time strengthen your grip, preventing an early risk of contracting Parkinson’s disease
3. 
   2. Fist-bumping reinforces the brotherhood between one and another. It also celebrates the absence of an engagement/wedding ring; hence, married bros are not encouraged to bump fists.
5. 
   3. Touching the back of a bro’s hand will enable you to determine if your bro had been using a good brand of hand lotion.

Shoulders

Perfectly acceptable to have skin-contact between shoulders because:

1. 
   1. Shoulders represent a bro’s prowess in ‘carrying the burden of life’; therefore it’s a very noble body part and should be given the utmost respect through touching.
2. 
   2. Patting and grasping a bro’s shoulders whilst saying, “Wa bro, damn fit ah you!” is an acknowledgement to his recent hard-work in the gym.
3. 
   3. Knocking shoulders is the highest form of intimacy deemed acceptable between bros. A proper shoulder-bump process would be:
   
   i. Lock palms with each other.
   
   ii. Pull each other close to yourself.
   
   iii. Give your bro’s shoulder a good knock with your shoulder.
   
   iv. Pat your bro’s upper-back.
   
   v. Release your bro immediately and refrain yourself from forming any tears.
   
   This whole process should take an average of 1.87 seconds, no more than that. Note that shoulder-bumping IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH HUGGING. There is no complete body-to-body contact here.

We shall now proceed to the area where skin-contact is strictly prohibited.

Groin

I presume that this section requires no further discussion. If you and your bro had been touching each other’s groin thinking that it’s a normal habit of acknowledgement, well, let’s just say you guys are no longer in the ‘bro-zone’ and the relationship is now one level higher. So, congratulations?

Face

Definitely a no-no as touching a bro’s face constitutes a condescending act. When the face of a bro is touched, it could only mean three things. One, you are challenging him to a fight. Two, you are undeniably, irresistibly and irrevocably in love with him. Three, you suspect that he is wearing make-up.

Buttocks

Completely unacceptable for a bro to touch another bro’s buttocks because:

1. 
   1. It is a sacred body part that can only be touched by a chair, bed, floor, car-seat or a female counterpart for a substantial duration of time.
2. 
   2. That is where we fart, for crying out loud. You do not mess with a man’s hole of relief.

The Debatable Areas

Well, this area is deemed debatable as the skin contact with these regions would have to be assessed and analyzed to see if they are bona fide. The list of examples is non-exhaustive and a lot of unthinkable situations may arise. But just to name a few:

1. 1. Contact between legs is legitimate if both of you are sitting in a packed restaurant, side-by-side, whilst wearing shorts. It will, however, be unacceptable for a bro to touch another bro’s legs to see if he had been shaving it.
3. 
   2. The touching of another bro’s forearms is acceptable when a bro had been lifting weights frequently in the gym and you would like to feel how solid it is. It will be unacceptable when you start drawing love-notes on his forearms or play tic-tac-toe on it.
5. 
   3. Touching the back of a bro’s head can also be said to be okay if you’re only patting it to praise him after he had scored a superb goal with his head. It will not be okay if you’re caressing it to feel how soft his hair is.

Again, this list is non-exhaustive and the possible situations can be endless. It really depends on how you see the touching, really.

Now, go forth and touch your bro!

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