How I Spoil The Word ‘Bro’

To be honest, I’ve been using the title ‘bro’ a little too liberally. And yup, even the most inappropriate situation will not deter my usage of the sacred title that one man bestows onto another respectable man.

Let me present you a little history about this sanctified form of address – bro. Some 600 years ago, a king by the name Parameswara landed on the soils of Malacca. As he was resting, the young ruler witnessed his hunting dog receiving a roundhouse kick from a deer. And the following took place.

Parameswara : Woah bro, you saw that bro? That was awesome shiz bro.

His follower: Yeah bro, fo shizzle my nizzle, we should totally start our kingdom here.

Parameswara : You’re totally right bro. We should like, build a castle here or something.

His follower : Iknoright. And just for fun, we should totally do all kind of wacky shiz like doing business and attacking other countries whatnot so that the kids in the future gotz to study about us in they schools, bro.

Parameswara : Man, you’re a freaking genius bro! And guess what, we should totally call each other bro as a form of respect, bro.

His follower : Hell yeah you da bomb bro! Knock your fist against mine bro! (This was coincidentally how the renowned ‘fist-bumping’ came into practice)

Now – some 600 years later – this title of respect is being thrown around like nobody’s business. The sanctity of the designation ‘bro’ is being tarnished and violated by the likes of youngsters who do not appreciate the historical significance of said title. Sadly, I am one of the many ignorant young chaps.

Here are some of the situations where I shouldn’t have called the other party ‘bro’ but I did it anyway because I think it’s cool and hip but I really have no idea if that is the case and whether it made be looked legendary or a total douche or maybe both but what the heck whatever was done is history so there’s no turning back. Period.

Give your right hand a high-five with your left hand if you totally understood me.

The following scenarios indeed took place and had all been translated for your reading convenience. You’re welcome, bro.

In the bus

What I should have said: Hi Mr. Bus Driver, may I know what is the fare from point A to point B?
What I really said : Bro, how much ah?

What the driver should have said: Hi Mr. Passenger, it’s RM1 from point A to point B.
What the driver really said : *lifts his index finger up, either to indicate that the fare is RM1 or just to show me a sign that I’ll be going straight to heaven when I pass away.*

In a high-class restaurant

What I should have said: Hi Mr. Waiter, what is the house’s recommendation? Sirloin or tenderloin?
What I really said : Bro, which one nicer ah? This one or that one? *pokes the menu furiously*

What the waiter should have said: Ah bro, if I were you lah har, I’ll order this one, bro. *pokes the menu furiously with the tip of his pen*
What the waiter really said : Sir, our chef’s specialty would be the sirloin fillifallafua (some fancy French word that I’ve never heard of and would never use it anyway). I would recommend it to be served medium-rare alongside our house-pour for tonight, a 1995 shellalaladiiivua (another French word that I have no intention of knowing, remembering and appreciating. For now.)

Bumping into a college-mate whom I’ve known for over a year

What I should have said: Dear College-mate, to be honest, I still can’t remember your name even though I’ve been in the same college with you for a year now and we practically bump into each other every other day. May I know your name with all sincerity and I promise I’ll remember it through out the rest of my life.
What I really said : Eh bro! Whazzup! Got class ah? Oh, okay lah, see you around, bro! *sentence to be repeated every single time I run into him*

What the college-mate should have said: Hi fellow College-mate, I’m actually quite uncomfortable with your addressing me as ‘bro’ because we hardly know each other except for the fact that we always greet each other and then walk our separate ways. How about we start our friendship all over again by introducing myself to you and we can have a substantial and significant conversation hereinafter.
What the college-mate really said : Yo bro! Ya lah, class now lor haha. See you around wei bro! *sentence to be repeated every single time he runs into me*

When a police officer stopped me to ask me some questions

What I should have said: Good afternoon officer, what seems to be the problem and how may I help you in carrying your duties as an impartial and trustworthy Malaysian police officer?
What I really said : Whaddup, bro?

What the police officer should have said: Good afternoon loyal citizen of our nation, if it is not much trouble, this 2 Indonesian gentleman failed to produce any identification documents when requested. They claimed that you are their friend and you are holding the said documents. Is it true?
What the police-officer really said : Ah bro, this 2 fellas say you are holding their passport. Got ah? (May I reinforce the fact that said officer did addressed me as ‘bro’, I swear) What? You don’t know them? Okay, thanks a lot, bro.

Chatting with a female friend

What I should have said: Dear female friend, I may be incorrect with my facts, but are there any possibilities that you might have taken my mobile-phone by accident?
What I really said : Eh bro, you took my phone?

What my female friend should have said: Yeah bro, your mobile-phone is right inside my handbag. You handed it to me for safekeeping just now, remember bro?
What my female friend really said : Screw you lah! What bro bro bro? I’ve got boobs one okay. Call me bro some more then I throw you out of my car then you know hor. Nah, your phone lah, BRO.

And my fellow readers, that is why the title ‘bro’ should not be tossed around freely. The holiness and reputation as an address of respect between two deserving man should be preserved and upheld at all times.

Understand or not, bro?

A Bloggers’ Community Project

I’ve never done this before, hence, this makes me a community project virgin. Teehee.

Alright, let’s get down to business by calling all bloggers out there. Wanna be a part of this very informal and small community project that the Punk Chopsticks will be carrying out once she had completed her highly confidential time-travel experiment to the past in search for a purple dinosaur SPM?

What kind of project is it you were asking? Good question. I don’t know.

Just kidding.

It’s actually a project to raise awareness of the rights of the LGBT community. For crying out loud, we’re already living in the 21st century where it’s not wrong for a guy to like another guy or for a guy to like a girl but at the same time like a guy. So guys, be a part of it, will ya?

To be a part of it, all you have to do is:

1. 1. Take a photo of yourself (preferably 4x6 inches and 300pixel/inch) against a white background.
   
   
2. 2. Hold on to a A4-sized paper/cardboard whilst taking your photograph.
   
   
3. 3. Write a message on said A4 paper/cardboard (any message will do as long as it has something to do with who you are. Note that it should not contain any form of vulgarities, profanities and blasphemy.)
   
   
4. 4. Send your photo (watermarking is fine) to punkchopsticksable@gmail.com.
   
   
5. 5. And see your photo being published onto a large (HOPEFULLYYYYY) collage alongside other bloggers who shares the same ideology as you!

Yeap, before I finish, I would to quote Katy Perry in one of her famous hits:


”I kissed a girl and I liked it.” Teehee.

Why Do Guys Go To Strip Clubs

Disclaimer: This post contains a good amount of discussion on vices that involves nudity. Hence, if you are not a person who is comfortable with the idea of guys in reality, do pay girls to take their clothes off, I suggest that you leave this "diabolical" and "perverted" site immediately and go watch bubbles pop in your bathtub.

This is written in response to Punk Chopsticks’ recent post about her dining experience in what seemed to be a restaurant full of ‘dreamy guys’. Note that the phrase ‘dreamy guys’ here refers to a group of dudes who spend their free-time staring blankly at the wall and, well, as suggested – dreams.

I’m so getting a roundhouse kick from that pair of chopsticks when I meet her, I tell you.

Anyhoos, in her article, she placed forward an analogy. And no, the term ‘analogy’ has nothing to do with the studies of anal whatsoever. Her hypothesis suggests that “Good food is a lot like good sex” and that guys going to strip clubs are “like going to a restaurant, ordering food, smelling it but not allowed to eat it”.

Seriously, smelling?

I dare not imagine further.

Well, I’ve came up with a few insights on why guys go to strip clubs. NOTE: This is in no way personal as I have never been into a strip club. A strip of clubs, on the other hand…never mind, those were the days.

Firstly, guys go to strip clubs because it is one place where they won’t have to experience the side of women that scares the wee wee outta them. In other words, guys who patronise strip clubs will avoid the torment of ‘nagging’, ‘complaining’, ‘elusive tantrums’, ‘bitching’, ‘sporadic questionings with intense traces of suspicion’ and ‘unreasonable and uncontrollable spending’.

Now, girls. The above terminologies were merely introduced for illustration purposes. The blogger is not suggesting that the mentioned traits are in every girl out there. There are some nice girls who don’t spend that much.

As for the second reason, guys enjoy strip clubs because they get to experience the side of women that they will never usually experience. Come on lah, let’s get real. Girls, will you, under normal circumstances, dance around your boyfriend/husband together with one of your BFFs in a highly suggestive manner wearing only pink fluffy furs over your boobies, a semi-transparent pair of thongs made of paper and literally nothing else?

Woah, this is getting a lil bit too graphical. I feel like I’m scriptwriting a porno.

But my point is, guys don’t usually get this sort of treatment from our mundane, sexless and un-colourful everyday life. Hence, it’s down to the club with the capital s for some booty shaking and lap-dancing. (Again, not implying that I’ve experienced any of the mentioned activities.)

Third, guys go to strip clubs solely for economic purposes. Yes, this theory is the most substantial and significant one among all. You see, strip clubs, like any other businesses, operates for the sake of gaining a profit and boosting the country’s national income. Therefore, when a guy becomes a customer of strip clubs, he is in fact contributing towards the nation’s economic growth. I have a very clear and concise exemplification to back up my theory.

Simply put, when a guy pays the strippers, it increases the strippers’ disposable income. And when them strippers have got the money, they’ll spend more on sexy lingerie. And what happen next? The lingerie industry obviously improves.

Now that the lingerie industry is booming, more and more people tend to invest in businesses involving lingerie. By now, most of the investors would have profited from the lingerie businesses that they’ve injected funds in. With that profit that they’ve reaped, they’ll pamper their selves by going to strip clubs and getting a lap dance from that stripper who had just bought a pair of new lingerie. And this cycle goes on. There you have it, economically lawyered.

So, guys, you are hereby justified to patronise strip clubs. It is your birth right to see that bitch take off her panty!

p.s. Nothing above should be taken seriously as the writer only intends to provide a few minutes of sheer entertainment at the time of writing and does not reflect his overall attitude and mentality in reality.

Keywords

Was rather curious what people actually typed in search engines to get to my blog, so I logged in to my Nuffnang account and did a little spot-check.

For the love of God, there is nothing in my blog about big noses okay?