Since the dawn of fairytales, Mr. Walt Disney, God bless his soul, had been giving girls around the globe delusions that they too, can meet their prince charming on a white horse and have a happy monogamist life forever with said prince charming. What’s with girls and a metrosexual dude riding a white pony anyway?
That got me thinking, what if Mr. Walt Disney wasn’t a creative Caucasian man who has endless supply of fairytale ideas? What if he was a Malaysian man with a mindset of say, the author of this green blog?
And then I realised, it’s about time someone told the world how creative Malaysians can be. Hey, we can write fairytales too okay! Heck, we even have our own local and authentic fairytales, namely the tale about an MP who nailed his aide who happens to be a dude, then there’s the tale about the same MP who had his way with a Chinese hooker and my all-time favourite, there’s the story of a Mongolian woman who self-destructed in our country. God I sure love our fairytales!
Now, back to Uncle Disney being a Malaysian ah pek.
There will only be a few plausible outcomes. Here’s a list of how renowned Disney characters might churn out, should Mr. Walt Disney hold the identity and mentality of a particular Malaysian blogger boy.
And for the next few posts, it’ll all be about Disney characters being rewrote and retold, the hardcore Malaysian style. Today, I will recreate history. That’s right History textbook, get ready to be stripped naked and violated like an opposition MP’s aide. What up.
Cinderella
Cinderella might end up having a badly figured out Chinese name. Though it may be something of a profound and significant meaning in the Chinese language, it’s just messed up in English. She might be called Sin Le La.
So growing up in Malaysia, Sin Le La will grow up with her stepmother who happens to be a GRO in one of those dodgy karaoke lounges in Chow Kit. And she also lives with 2 stepsisters, who are really spoilt college students. But they hold no significance in this story, so that’s all about them you’ll read of.
One day, the owner of the karaoke lounges in Chow Kit where Sin Le La’s purportedly evil stepmother works at, decides to find a wife for himself.
He then throws a karaoke competition and invites all the eligible girls in town and will then wed the girl who can sing the famous Hokkien tune ‘Ai Pia Jia Eh Eia’ (when loosely translated in English, it means Must Work Hard Only Can Win) without looking at the lyrics.
Sin Le La, without her stepmother’s knowledge, joined the competition and dazzled Mr. Chow Kit Karaoke Tauke. She successfully sang the song in three different versions, first in acoustic, then in staccato and lastly the Tamil version. Tauke was so amazed with Sin Le La and he decided to marry her, there and then, even though honkers were only of a cup size A. Coz you see, she’s an Asian. And Mr. Karaoke Owner is also an Asian. So ya, let’s not make a big deal out of size okay?
When the clock struck 12, Sin Le La stopped singing at once. She had to leave immediately. She had to go because the last RapidKL bus is leaving in 10 minutes and she doesn’t want to go home by taxi because she’ll be slapped with a 50% surcharge. And some cabbies don’t even bother to use the meter. I know right? KL taxi drivers. Pffft.
As Sin Le La was running to the bus stop, one of her Bata slippers fell off of her feet. She glanced at her RM9.90 slipper and then back at the bus stop – her bus was leaving any minute now – She left her slipper there and went for the bus instead. Meh, the Bata sale will be on next week anyway, she thought.
Yeah, as expected, GRO stepmom found out about this and got really pissed. Upon hearing about Sin Le La’s future, stepmom got really upset. Who is gonna take over her job when she finally retires at the age of 37? This wasn’t happening. Sin Le La must be stopped.
As she was walking to Sin Le La’s bedroom with a bottle of acid, a group of people barged in their squatter house. It was the DBKL, a local authority who specializes in taking down squatter house and pirated DVD rings. They had come to demolish the illegally erected house that stood proudly in Chow Kit.
But there was a twist to the story, Mr. Chow Kit Karaoke Tauke appeared out of no where (actually he came with his heavily modified Proton Satria with an insane number of LED lights all over the car and big ass exhaust pipes, not to mention really loud and annoying speakers) and what he did next portrays a very heroic and masculine act mankind has ever envisaged!
He gave the DBKL guys RM20 each and asked them to go drink coffee at the nearby kopitiam. Which they eventually did.
Right then, he took out the Bata slipper that was mentioned earlier in the story (don’t ask me what was he doing going around town with a Bata slipper in his pocket). And he walked to Sin Le La. He gazed into her in the green contact-lens-eyes and slowly he went down to his knees. He lifted Sin Le La’s feet and gently slipped the RM9.90 slipper into it. He then popped the question in the most romantic and sexiest tone ever.
“Baby, will you mally me?”
And they lived happily ever after. In their 2-bedroom apartment in Titiwangsa. The end.
Stay tuned for more Disney rewrites only on vincephilosophy.com, your one stop bullshit station.
