They say if you are able to navigate yourself around the great city of Kuala Lumpur by bus without being late, lost or God forbid, dead; then you are one true legend.
I started relying on the bus service in KL since form 1 (that was 6 years ago when I was only 13, mind you) and I can proudly tell you today that things with the bus companies had never improve through out the last 6 years. You see, 6 years ago, the service provided by the available bus companies were shitty, substandard and thoroughly screwed-up. Today where the society is purportedly to be in civilization, the service is still shitty, substandard and thoroughly screwed-up.
Yeah, sure they might have did some form of ‘improvements’ like replacing their old buses with new ones, introduced new ticketing system, new bus route and maybe some new television set in the buses. But that’s about it. After 6 years worth of time, I still feel like a contestant on Survivor when I’m about to board that RapidKL bus home.
The biggest problem boils down to the drivers. You see, drivers are the core component of every bus company (of course drivers are important lah what are you talking about man, or else your roti-canai uncle more important meh?) and if the said main component don’t live up to standards and expectations, you might as well close down your business and go start something else, like selling toilet paper or something like that.
In Malaysia, buses are never on time. Even if they are on time, it’s never your bus. So waiting for buses in KL, especially, can train one’s patience. So what’s the source of this unpunctuality problem? You are correct if your guess was from the driver itself. But punctuality is overrated, I mean, come on lah, who actually arrives somewhere on time? Pfft, so not Malaysian.
Timing isn’t the only problem with drivers, their attitude is another big turnoff.
I give you an illustration about that one time I took the Metrobus some long long time ago where dinosaurs still exist. Before I proceed with my tale, I have the onus to inform you that the drivers of Metrobus are popular for their notoriety and brainlessity. So there I was in the bus intending to alight at the next stop; I pressed the bell and for some miraculous reasons the bell wasn’t functioning – I missed my stop.
I ran up to the driver and told him to stop like any other boys-who-missed-their-stop-because-the-bloody-bell-can’t-ring would. That ended with the bus screeching to a halt in the middle of the road and attracted simultaneous blares of honking from the vehicles behind, you know KL drivers lah, the love their honks more than their wives.
Instead of apologizing to me, the driver showered me with dirty words and it was followed by a 5-minutes speech scolding me, my parents, my grand-parents and I believe at some point he even scolded my future children. I was only what, 13 or 14 at the time of the incident? I was only approximately 5 feet tall and weighed no more than a roasted turkey. And at that point of time, my mouth, brain and limbs weren’t as developed like how it is today so I only stood there and took what was thrown in my face.
Let’s fast forward a little. It was a cloudy afternoon some time in February 2011. I was on my usual RapidKL bus on the way home from the LRT station. Again, for some miraculous and mystical reasons, the bus didn’t take its usual route. It made a detour back to the bus depot which was more than 10 kilometres away from where I was suppose to disembark. This led to me confronting the driver as if I’m some Bollywood hero.
This time, the explanation was that the bus ran out of fuel and that logically speaking a bus could not move it there was no fuel in it. Well, logic not flawed and hence explanation accepted. It didn’t even matter when the refueling took about half an hour because the driver had to go to the loo, grab a can of Coke from the depot’s office, finish the can of Coke, chit-chat with the other drivers and read the sports section of a newspaper. I was cool with it like how Charlie Sheen was cool with people making a mockery out of his life.
When my journey resumed, the driver continued driving on an entirely new route whom none of us in the bus was expecting. And the bad news was, this new route wasn’t going to pass by my stop. Once again, the Bollywood hero in me took possession. Explanation, it wasn’t ‘convenient’ continue that route because he needs to make a BIGGGGGGGGGG turn and it’s time-wasting for him. I think he needed to rush home and catch the finale of some unpopular telenovela on TV3.
This time, I remember the conversation pretty well. Here’s a remake of the said conversation between myself and the bus driver. And ya, it’s translated because you wouldn’t want to know how crappy my Malay language is.
Me: Eh bro (translation for abang, right?) where are you going?
Driver: I’m following a new route.
Me: What you mean by new route? How about my stop at *some place lah, you dunno where one if I tell you*?
Driver: Aiya not convenient lah, I need to drive all the way out to the main road there and U-turn. After I cannot follow my schedule how? We are half an hour late already actually.
Me: What the fudgery are you talking about? First of all, you should refuel your flowery bus before you pick up any passengers. Second, I don’t give a shalalalala if you are not schedule since you’ve decided to take a detour without informing the passengers before hand. Thirdly, how am I suppose to falalalala get home now that we are on a totally new route? (I wasn’t good with vulgarism in Malay but I still wanted the effect, therefore some funny words in the sentence)
Driver: Okay I drop you of here you walk back in.
Me: FART YOU LAH! _|_ (I got off the bus anyway)
Get my point? No matter how nice, comfortable and advanced your facilities might be, if the driver is shit, your whole system is screwed. It’s already bad enough that some of the bus drivers are driving as if they are on an F1 track and are racing with the other cars on the street to win some trophies, but the ‘backdated phase mentality’ virtually rips your reputation into distorted pieces.
And just today, another episode took place between the Bollywood hero in me and the bus driver (it’s a never ending battle I tell you). For some miraculous, mystical and supernatural reasons (like usual), the bus only allowed passengers with the infamous and problematic Touch ‘n’ Go cards. So when I was boarding, the bus driver pointed to a self-printed notice on the bus door telling people that the bus only allowed passengers with the card. Because I’m using an older version of the said prepaid card, the reader couldn’t process my card. Therefore I was not permitted on the bus. Again, bus messed with Bollywood hero.
My argument was that, look, I have a card, it has credit in it. The whole problem was the reader inside your bus. I didn’t ask God to install a high-end machine in that bus so it was entirely not my fault. I tried to resolve the problem by offering to pay in cash like how I had previously been doing. But noooooooo, policy is policy. Until and unless Barisan Nasional crushes into the chasm of defeat, that bus will only allow passengers who has the never version of Touch ‘n’ Go. And no cash can bring me home.
So for the first time in my life, I was chased off the bus and demanded that I wait for the following bus which was ‘supposed to arrive in a short while’. Which was approximately half an hour later. Yup, Malaysian timing remember?
If you think I’m dissing, condemning and derogating bus companies in Kuala Lumpur, you Goddamn bet I am because you guys don’t deserve no praises. That’s all I have for now. No point going on and on about how terrible the bus system in Kuala Lumpur is. You need to experience things for yourself.
Like Mahatma Gandhi once said, ‘The only thing worse than the overpopulation in India is the terrible bus service in KL. Peace out bitches.’
