He Say She Say

I’ve discovered that guys and girls actually speak different language after being a guy for quite a while now and spending most of my time with girls around. Okay, that didn’t come out right.

But it is in fact true; man and woman figuratively don’t speak the same language. Both genders may be speaking in English to each other, but in reality the so-called English that they are using to communicate with each other is very distinct in terms of the uses of vocabulary, nouns, adjective, tenses, conjunctions and whatever linguistic jargon you can possibly think of. Don’t understand what I’m trying to say? Me neither.

Anyhoos, here are some illustrations to substantiate my hypothesis. Do note that my theory only involves stereotypical man and woman and all thesis are put forward are based on observation made on a set of ‘everyday joes and janes’. Any objections may be forwarded to my assistant researcher but there are no guarantees that you will be heard. My assistant researcher may not comprehend your objections as it lives in a cage labeled ‘orang utan’.

Scenario: Asking someone to hand over a handbag.

How will a girl say it: Hey dear! Do you mind passing me that Louis Vuitton bag over there? Yes, the one which is maroon in colour with two slanted zippers by the side and leather straps. Yes, it’s a 2010 limited edition by the way.

How will a guy say it: Hey, pass me that handbag. Neh, that one. *points*

Scenario: Telling a friend about a modified car.

How will a guy say it: Dude, check out that ride man. Did you see the rims? I swear it’s an 18 inch alloy. And did you see the spoiler on it? That thing ain’t cheap man. And my goodness, 4 pipes man, it’s gonna sound like a plane! And I think he just installed a new Blaupunkt woofer, fooooyoh, the bass solid I tell you. Wonder which brand of amp is he using?

How will a girl say it: Eww, ugly car.

Scenario: Apologizing to a partner for not being able to attend a date.

How will a girl say it: Hey honeybunch, I’m really really sorry but I can’t make it to the movies with you tonight. So so so sorry but we’ve got this huge project on hand and nobody can leave until it’s done. But you know what, Imma make it up to you by packing your favourite luncheon meat sandwich and bringing it to your office for you tomorrow. Aww man, miss you so much. Can’t believe you have to be all alone tonight. Sorry babysmoothiepie. Huggies!

How will a guy say it: Sori, got OT cnt make it 2nite.

Scenario: Discussing about last night’s UEFA Champions League match.


How will a guy say it: Woah, Bayern totally pulled it off last night, come on lah, Robben was obviously offside man. Wonder what the linesman was doing, playing with his flag or something. And I felt sorry for Milan man, Pato got injured like just after 20 minutes of play and Robinho got sent off after 25 minutes. They were in a super critical striking crisis I tell you, feel so sorry for them. And don’t even get me started on Man U, it’s about time old man Fergie retire lah, together with Giggs and Scholes. But Chelsea’s looking really good, starting to get back on form and my God, David Luiz is gonna be legend man, sooner or later Torres gonna break his duck and also get on the legend’s list. It’s gonna be the Blue’s year.

How will a girl say it: You know, my stupid boyfriend lied to me and say he had OT but he actually went and watch the You-Fa match at the mamak stall last night. Jerk.

Scenario: Bitching about an unpleasant colleague after work.

How will a girl say it: Oh my God, that Lucy was so mean just now. You see, Anita was like talking to the client just now and she sort of lost her words. And Lucy just went over there, pushed Anita away and totally snatched the client away from Anita. And you know what the worse part is? She even told the client that Anita was a ‘little slow’ and went on talking bad stuff about Anita. And did you see how she look at Anita with the side of her eyes. What a bitch. Like oh my God? How could she even say things like that? I even saw Anita crying in the washroom just now. Oh my God.

How will a guy say it: Dude, that Lucy is one big asshole man. Wanna go grab a beer?

Scenario: Responding to a dirty joke made by some stranger at a party.

How will a guy say it: Hahahahaha good one dude! High 5! Come over here man, I’ll buy you beer. Hey hey I’ve got one joke too, now listen close. Two lesbians walked into a sports bar…

How will a girl say it: Yer, pervert. *walks away*

Scenario: Talking to a friend about a girl who just got plastic surgery.

How will a girl say it: Hey did you know that Candy just got a boob-job recently? I was like eww, so freaking big lah. Too big for her already, you know how small size is she lah, now she looked a camel with her humps in front. And someone told me she actually got her nose done some time back. Like OMG right? I always knew there was something wrong with her nose, it’s so, how do I say it, plasticky? And her eyes, she actually has single eye-lid one! And this one I’m not sure lah, but I heard from someone that she even got botox! Ewww super fake lah she!

How will a guy say it: Dude, Candy’s one hot chick wei!

Scenario: When Justin Bieber comes to town for a concert.

How will a girl say it: Oh my friggin God! I. Am. So. Going! Imma go there and cry out his name so loud that I’ll go mute after that! I’m so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so excited!

How will a guy say it: Gay.

And here you go, ladies and gentlemen, my theory on how men are from Mars and women are from Pluto or something.

p.s. This post is not made to slander, discriminate or defame any gender. It is written in the name of humour and serves the sole purpose of entertaining. The author doesn’t hold any personal responsibilities for any injuries, loss or mental distress suffered by any parties who had in any way read, came contact with or heard about this article. Therefore, this ends my exclusion clause. Lawyered.

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Pussee

I’d be an ass if I don’t share this.

Yeap, I have to admit, this ‘pussee’ thing sure looks fun to me.

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Meeting And Dining With Super Famous Bloggers

Once upon a time on a lovely Saturday evening approximately 4 days ago, I had the honour of dining with a group of bloggers in Frames Cafe, Sunway Pyramid courtesy of Nuffnang. Yes, the highly anticipated Nuffnang Sharing Session that most Nuffnangers would sell one of their kidneys or eyeballs to get an invitation to.

Yes, it was one of the best blogger’s dinner I’ve ever attended, not withstanding the fact that every blogger’s dinner is awesome. But this one, particularly was awesomer than awesome. We had food. We had bloggers. We had cameras. We had fun. And did I mention we had food?

Right, this post might be the 65475th post about the sharing session you might come across. Therefore, I shall not bore you with snapshots of food which were artistically photographed. All I can say is, the food served was really satisfying that night and let’s just say it hit the right spot in my stomach.

So instead, I shall throw you a couple of photographs that features yours truly in his ever awesomeness and adorableness. And of course, a couple of other non-food related photos too.

Firstly, this is a photo of those who had made this sharing session possible. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the nuffies!

Next up, let me give you a photo of Boss Tim initially doing a spot-check session on our table. And then he was obliged to turn around and look into the camera because our big cameraman uncle TikkoSS forced Tim to turn and threatened to spike Tim’s drink, poison his dinner and draw fake moustache on him if he didn’t turn around and look into the camera. Alright, I may have exaggerated a little and added a little twist to the whole scenario.

But hey, people love tabloids, don’t they?

Next up, more tabloids! TikkoSS in a scandalous position with Isaac! Are they an item? Are they seeing each other? Are they together? How long have this went on? How did they started? Where did they meet each other? Does Issac’s wife knows about it? Is TikkoSS’s mother aware of this? Does Jessy has any knowledge about this affair?

Gasp! NOBODY KNOWS!

But nah, that’s not the point of the whole story. It suppose to be about me. So ya, let’s get back to me. Focus.

Alright, before we proceed, I would like to send out a word of cautious to those who plan to read on. It contains narcissistically shot photographs which are flooded with great intensity of awesomeness and adorableness. Now, proceed with care.

First up, Mabel and I! Look adorable together, no?

Now with Xinxian, one of the Nuffies whom I’ve taken a couple of photos with on several occasions but still not tired of it. Heh, hope Xinxian’s not tired of it too. Oh, ignore my eyes, stupid contact lenses suddenly busted me in my cornea.

With another super awesome Nuffy, Michelle. Yes, as stunning as always. And oh, speaking of which, she brought me some really good news today but I’m not gonna divulge it just right now. Follow my blog closely and you shall find out what the good news exactly is. *Winking in the utmost kawaii fashion I could possibly manage*

With the super fehmes Cheesie. Well, the kawaii is high in this one. WE LOOK CUTE TOGETHER RIGHT? Say yes so I don’t have to slit my wrist and die a depressing death.

And of course, how could I not forget, my newest famous friend, TeyCindy! She was sitting in front of me during the dinner *blush*, kept teaching us how to be a good blogger *blush somemore*, joke and fool around like a freaking comedian *blush until cannot blush already*. Gosh, this lady is just awesome. No no, she’s beyond awesome; she’s legendary!

And ya, lucky I’m taller than her, or else sure damn paiseh one.

I swear, I so did not tip-toed and Cindy did not crouch down.

And last but not least, drum rolls please. With Xiaxue! Yes, yell and scream! Jump and smash your computer screen! Go berserk! Ki siao! You’ve got me right, it Xia friggin Xue!

Alright, I may look like I don’t give two hoots in the photo, but deep inside, I’m like jumping and stretching my face like a hysterical girl who just got a strand of Justin Bieber’s hair. Or pubes. Or whatever he sheds.

Well, there’s still a lot of photos that I would like to share with y’all, but hey, you really don’t wanna keep seeing my face. It is scientifically proven that looking at my face too much will lead to insomnia, nauseation and severe mental distress. True story. I’m saving your life and you’re welcome.

All in all, a big thank you to Nuffnang! For the 2 complimentary movie passes.

A lovely name tag.

A lovely pin-badge.

And an unforgettable night with so many awesome bloggers! Hmm, that sounds a little suggestive. Oh well.

p.s. A personal thank you to TikkoSS for all the above photos. You deserve it, ‘ol chap. :)

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I Finally Touched This Beauty!

Yes, I finally touched her. I finally smelled her. I finally felt her. Yes, her smooth and shiny surface, her curves, her, beauty, her sexiness, her lubricity. She was the gem in everyone’s heart. Everyone was passionate about her. Everyone wanted her. Men literally fought to keep her. Ah, the attractive force of the UEFA Champions League trophy.

Boy, you weren’t thinking of something else, are you?

Anyways, upon learning that the Champions League trophy was coming to town, I knew right there and then that I must see this little baby. And there I was, last Friday, in Pavilion KL, with the cup right in front of me. The feeling was orgasmic, true story.

The Champions League is the cream of all professional football competition. You know, it’s something like the abalone among all seafood, the diamond among all jewelry, the Dolly Parton among all girls with big-boobs, the Brad Pitt among all hunks, the Justin Bieber among all talented little singing girls. Get what I’m saying?

Of course, only half of the world’s most talented and celebrated footballer had touched this cup. I will be an ass if I did not have my own experience with this cup.

As much as it hurts me to say this, but I actually touched the Champions League before my club does. Sobs. But it’s okay, this year’s our year. The cup will be heading to the Bridge. Go you Blues.

Besides having the trophy on display, a wide range of UEFA Champions League memorabilia was there as well to feast the eyes of visiting football enthusiasts, for instance, mua.

Do note that the trophy and the following memorabilia are genuine and authentic; not cheap imitated Petaling Street goods.

There’s Javier Zanetti’s jersey, the captain of Inter Milan.

Here’s a pair of boots that was once of Gunner’s skipper’s Fabregas foot; now in a displaying crystal case.

Xavi’s balls. A collector’s match ball signed by Barca’s puny midfielder Xavi.

A pair of gloves that belonged to Iker Casillas, the penjaga tiang of Madrid Betul.

AS Roma’s skipper, Francesco Totti’s boots and captain armband.

Ah, this ball legendary lor. Signed by the king of head-butting, Zinedine Zidane. By far the most entertaining footballer I’ve ever seen. And I’m not even talking about his footballing skills.

A memorabilia ball signed by former Real Madrid captain cum legend, Raul Gonzalez who now plays at Schalke FC.

Handsome boy Kaka’s boots. Where he had worn it during the Champions League final in 2007 against Liverpool at Istanbul. Fun fact, his then team AC Milan was leading by 3-0. In the second half, it was as if Liverpool was on drugs or Milan’s drug had ran out, Liverpool managed to par the score and made it 3-3 within a few minutes.

They went on to the penalty kick where Milan lost 3-2 in the kick. And the trophy went home with Liverpool. And the then Milan manger Ancelloti claimed to smash his television every time he watches the match replay, God knows how many telly had he smashed. And Kaka went on to sign for Real Madrid. And everyone lived happily ever after.

David Beckham’s jersey when he was on loan in AC Milan. Well, no comment about him. He was once a footballer, but not anymore. He is now a soccer player. Different thing, so you have to be clear about it.

Real Madrid’s ball. Yeah, apparently they only have one ball on display.

The ever popular Ronaldo’s Devil jersey. Pretty boy, no comment for him as well.

Ah, the jersey that belonged to the current football maestro, Lionel Messi. Speaking of Messi, there’s something about him and me. Both of us share this particular similarity ie. we’re short but we’re awesome xoxoxoxox.

Here we have more balls on display.

Referees. Whom everyone hated. Just like school principals.

And this my friend, was the Champions League trophy before it underwent a plastic surgery. Gosh, that surgery sure did wonder I’d say.

Well, a BIG thank you to Heineken for bringing this beauty to Malaysia!

And a big thank you to the pretty jie jie who took this polaroid picture for me. Heh.

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To Cock Or Not To Cock

When you are the owner of trophies for poetry recital,

Story-telling,

Spelling bees,

Public speaking,

And public speaking,

Or even public speaking,

It could only mean one thing,

You are one big cock-talker with an impeccable talent in talking cock. Just like any other successful politician in Malaysia. Kay thanks bye.

P.s. If the cock that you talk induces people to say the word ‘lame’ aloud or silently, you are already on your way to become the next prime minister of the country. One cock one nation. Peace.

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