I’ve discovered that guys and girls actually speak different language after being a guy for quite a while now and spending most of my time with girls around. Okay, that didn’t come out right.
But it is in fact true; man and woman figuratively don’t speak the same language. Both genders may be speaking in English to each other, but in reality the so-called English that they are using to communicate with each other is very distinct in terms of the uses of vocabulary, nouns, adjective, tenses, conjunctions and whatever linguistic jargon you can possibly think of. Don’t understand what I’m trying to say? Me neither.
Anyhoos, here are some illustrations to substantiate my hypothesis. Do note that my theory only involves stereotypical man and woman and all thesis are put forward are based on observation made on a set of ‘everyday joes and janes’. Any objections may be forwarded to my assistant researcher but there are no guarantees that you will be heard. My assistant researcher may not comprehend your objections as it lives in a cage labeled ‘orang utan’.
Scenario: Asking someone to hand over a handbag.
How will a girl say it: Hey dear! Do you mind passing me that Louis Vuitton bag over there? Yes, the one which is maroon in colour with two slanted zippers by the side and leather straps. Yes, it’s a 2010 limited edition by the way.
How will a guy say it: Hey, pass me that handbag. Neh, that one. *points*
Scenario: Telling a friend about a modified car.
How will a guy say it: Dude, check out that ride man. Did you see the rims? I swear it’s an 18 inch alloy. And did you see the spoiler on it? That thing ain’t cheap man. And my goodness, 4 pipes man, it’s gonna sound like a plane! And I think he just installed a new Blaupunkt woofer, fooooyoh, the bass solid I tell you. Wonder which brand of amp is he using?
How will a girl say it: Eww, ugly car.
Scenario: Apologizing to a partner for not being able to attend a date.
How will a girl say it: Hey honeybunch, I’m really really sorry but I can’t make it to the movies with you tonight. So so so sorry but we’ve got this huge project on hand and nobody can leave until it’s done. But you know what, Imma make it up to you by packing your favourite luncheon meat sandwich and bringing it to your office for you tomorrow. Aww man, miss you so much. Can’t believe you have to be all alone tonight. Sorry babysmoothiepie. Huggies!
How will a guy say it: Sori, got OT cnt make it 2nite.
Scenario: Discussing about last night’s UEFA Champions League match.
How will a guy say it: Woah, Bayern totally pulled it off last night, come on lah, Robben was obviously offside man. Wonder what the linesman was doing, playing with his flag or something. And I felt sorry for Milan man, Pato got injured like just after 20 minutes of play and Robinho got sent off after 25 minutes. They were in a super critical striking crisis I tell you, feel so sorry for them. And don’t even get me started on Man U, it’s about time old man Fergie retire lah, together with Giggs and Scholes. But Chelsea’s looking really good, starting to get back on form and my God, David Luiz is gonna be legend man, sooner or later Torres gonna break his duck and also get on the legend’s list. It’s gonna be the Blue’s year.
How will a girl say it: You know, my stupid boyfriend lied to me and say he had OT but he actually went and watch the You-Fa match at the mamak stall last night. Jerk.
Scenario: Bitching about an unpleasant colleague after work.
How will a girl say it: Oh my God, that Lucy was so mean just now. You see, Anita was like talking to the client just now and she sort of lost her words. And Lucy just went over there, pushed Anita away and totally snatched the client away from Anita. And you know what the worse part is? She even told the client that Anita was a ‘little slow’ and went on talking bad stuff about Anita. And did you see how she look at Anita with the side of her eyes. What a bitch. Like oh my God? How could she even say things like that? I even saw Anita crying in the washroom just now. Oh my God.
How will a guy say it: Dude, that Lucy is one big asshole man. Wanna go grab a beer?
Scenario: Responding to a dirty joke made by some stranger at a party.
How will a guy say it: Hahahahaha good one dude! High 5! Come over here man, I’ll buy you beer. Hey hey I’ve got one joke too, now listen close. Two lesbians walked into a sports bar…
How will a girl say it: Yer, pervert. *walks away*
Scenario: Talking to a friend about a girl who just got plastic surgery.
How will a girl say it: Hey did you know that Candy just got a boob-job recently? I was like eww, so freaking big lah. Too big for her already, you know how small size is she lah, now she looked a camel with her humps in front. And someone told me she actually got her nose done some time back. Like OMG right? I always knew there was something wrong with her nose, it’s so, how do I say it, plasticky? And her eyes, she actually has single eye-lid one! And this one I’m not sure lah, but I heard from someone that she even got botox! Ewww super fake lah she!
How will a guy say it: Dude, Candy’s one hot chick wei!
Scenario: When Justin Bieber comes to town for a concert.
How will a girl say it: Oh my friggin God! I. Am. So. Going! Imma go there and cry out his name so loud that I’ll go mute after that! I’m so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so excited!
How will a guy say it: Gay.
And here you go, ladies and gentlemen, my theory on how men are from Mars and women are from Pluto or something.
p.s. This post is not made to slander, discriminate or defame any gender. It is written in the name of humour and serves the sole purpose of entertaining. The author doesn’t hold any personal responsibilities for any injuries, loss or mental distress suffered by any parties who had in any way read, came contact with or heard about this article. Therefore, this ends my exclusion clause. Lawyered.