How To Annoy Someone

Annoying someone else has always been a passion of mine. There’s just some feeling of achievement that I derive when someone else is affected by the annoyance that I’ve passed to them. Yeah, sadist can somewhat be the right description.

Just the other day, I was reading Punk Chopsticks’ post on a list of things one can do to make himself feel better when he is down. No, it has nothing to do with masturbation. It’s pretty much a list of to-dos that are highly annoying and may risk multiple bitch-slaps on your face/any other part of your body that is intolerant to pain.

By the way, do check out Punk Chopsticks. She’s one of the hidden jewels among awesome female bloggers. Besides, she’s kinda hot. And she basically puts the punk in your chopsticks. Yeah, that didn’t come out right. Sorry, I’m not so good at this.

So this thing about annoying people, I’m pretty good at it too. I can practically be (simultaneously) getting a manicure, applying mascara, putting on toenail polish, watch Gossip Girls and still manage to annoy someone at the same time. Okay fine, I don’t watch Gossip Girls.

But I am that good at annoying the living soul out of another person.

So here are some of my humble yet brilliant suggestions on how to annoy someone. Do note that not all of the following suggestions had been put to practice in reality and the author shall bear no responsibilities from any consequences arising from the conducting of said suggestions.

Lifts

i. Stick the back of your palm on the lips and blow into it so that a loud, nasty fart sound is created. Then when everyone turns to look at you, just shrug and casually say “Wasn’t me”.

ii. Ask someone which floor he/she wants to go to. After they say out the level, cover the buttons, shake your head vigorously and shout “No! Not that floor again! I won’t go back to that damned Nazi torture chamber!”

iii. While everyone is standing solemnly inside the lift, raise both of your hands up and sing “Put your hands up in the air! Put your hands up in the air! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” Bob your head for better effect.

iv. When you get off a lift, immediately kneel and kiss the ground. And when people asks you what was that about, tell them that you were in the same lift with one of the country’s most wanted serial killer.

Bus

i. Instead of paying for the tickets in cash, pay in bottle caps. Tell the conductor that those caps will worth approximately 2.573 million dollars in the next 5 centuries. Then tell him to keep the change.

ii. When the bus is moving, stand up abruptly, point at the driver and shout “He was behind the September 11 crash! And he is focusing on land transport already?!”

iii. Repeat the following phrase every 2 minutes in the utmost irritating pitch you can manage – “Are we there yet?”

iv. Just when you're about to alight from the bus, pretend to make a phone call and speak loud, “Yeah boss, the bomb is in position already. I’m getting off now; you can detonate it in five minutes.”

Restaurants

i. Flag down the waiter on duty. When one of them come to you, pat them on their head and say “Good boy”.

ii. When someone is taking down your order, say this at the peak of your voice, “Whaddya mean you don’t serve human meat here? What? You have something against cannibals?”

iii. Take a spoon and walk around the restaurant. Stop by every table and insist that the patrons see you ‘bend the spoon with telekinetic’. When the spoon is not bent (obviously), tell them “I sense a lack of faith from you, infidel”.

iv. After finishing your food, go around the tables to beg for money so that you could pay your bills.

Well, you think that’s all I have? Wrong. There’s more to come. So do stay tuned for my next post. No matter how annoying it may be.

Now, if you would excuse me, I’ve got a bus to hail right now.