Now, in my previous post, I’ve rewritten one of the renowned fairytales in the world that speaks of deceit, jealousy, sorcery and consumerism – Cinderella from the authentic Walt Disney version into a more realistic and relevant Malaysian version. Today, I’ll attempt to do the same thing on another famous Disney story.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Right, naming your child ‘Snow White’ in Malaysia is just too cheesy. It makes your kid sound very cheap and frankly, pathetic. Therefore, Snow White will henceforth be known as Xiao Bai Mei. At least it sounds reasonable and not at all inauthentic.
So this Xiao Bai Mei chick, like any other delusional Disney princess-to-be, lives with her stepmother who is portrayed by media to be an evil and diabolical woman. In Xiao Bai Mei’s case, her stepmother happened to be the second wife of a very infamous pirated DVD tycoon in the heart of Kuala Lumpur – Petaling Street.
Again, like any other delusional Disney princess-to-be, Xiao Bai Mei was pretty, adorable and sweet. But, just like the Malaysian Cinderella, God wasn’t being generous to Xiao Bai Mei at the chest department simply because she was one of those stereotyped Asian girls. Therefore, no papaya for Xiao Bai Mei; only two miserable kiwis dangling on her torso.
Because Xiao Bai Mei was the only child to the pirated DVD tycoon, she will one day take over her father’s business in Petaling Street and her stepmother wasn’t pleased one bit. I mean, this storyline is just typical lah, pretty stepdaughter, wicked stepmother, one of them kill the other in the end. Case closed.
But I’m not that lazy okay? I rewrite it and I rewrite it good.
One thing about this stepmother, she doesn’t have a magic mirror hung on bedroom wall. I mean, talking mirror? Please. The only thing I want when I look into the mirror is to see if my hair was properly done and not some jackass telling me which bitch stole my limelight.
Instead of talking mirror, stepmother has a 49-inch 3D telly on her wall. And instead of weird jackass talking in the mirror, she has a Twitter account. She stalks Xiao Bai Mei like a lunatic Twitter follower and everyday, Xiao Bai Mei just keep getting popular. Evil stepmother couldn’t take it anymore when Xiao Bai Mei had her 10,000th follower.
Evil stepmother needed to get rid of that little bitch, so she came up with a plan. She hired an Indian man to splash acid on Xiao Bai Mei. She wanted the hitman to splash so much acid on Xiao Bai Mei that even her bones will melt. As a proof of completing his task, acidman was supposed to bring Xiao Bai Mei’s Petaling-Street-Prada stilettos back to the evil stepmother.
This asshole, being a typical asshole, couldn’t perform his task well. He kept splashing acid on the wrong girl. As of today, more than 30 girls had been a victim of his fiendish and satanic act. And none of them were Xiao Bai Mei. He had problems recognizing faces it seems, rare but true condition. Bloody asshole oughta just castrate himself I tell you.
And if you’re wondering when will the seven dwarfs come into the picture here, well, they won’t. Come on lah, get real. What is a hot chick doing staying with seven horrendously ugly with weird personalities, physically challenged and sex-deprived man? It’s just not logical! Try leaving your teenage daughter with seven old uncles who don’t have wives and see. They’ll practically violate her like a group of hungry food bloggers on a pot of bah-kut-teh.
Hmm, speaking of which, it’s been a while since I had BKT, anyone?
Back to the story. So acidman couldn’t kill Xiao Bai Mei. Fine. Evil stepmother had a better plan anyway – she decided to poison her Apple iPhone 4. When Xiao Bai Mei’s iPhone got poisoned, she could not longer tweet, thus her popularity decreased and it hit Xiao Bai Mei pretty badly. Stepmother’s plan was working out pretty well. At least that’s what she thought.
Just when Xiao Bai Mei decided to end her life because she could no longer tweet and check-in foursquare, her prince charming on a white Proton Saga appear before her. It was one of the China goods vendor that runs his business in the dark alleys of Petaling Street. He was there to end Xiao Bai Mei’s misery.
He walks up to Xiao Bai Mei and hands her a box. He whispers in her ears, “It’s a brand new model, jailbreak already, got Tweet Deck and Echofon also. You can tweet like you always do, leng lui” She couldn’t believe her eyes. There in her hands were the latest and hottest iPhone 4 lookalike from China – the iPhoon 4.
Xiao Bai Mei was overwhelmed. She couldn’t be more exhilarated than she is right now. And they got married and lived happily ever after and she took over her father’s pirated DVD business and her evil stepmother got stroke and died and forever ever after.
Vincephilosophy.com, serving you authentic bullshit since 2008.