When This Blogger Becomes An Advice Columnist

Have you ever noticed advice columnists in newspapers or magazines are usually females? You know, the kind of columnists who tell people what should they do if they found out that their boyfriends/husbands/fathers are cheating with their pet hamsters.

For one, I really don’t understand why anybody would write in their problems to some utter stranger who has no slightest relationship with them. The columnist doesn’t even know who you are and there you are divulging your deepest, dirtiest and most personal problems to them. Well, some might rebut that it’s one way to maintain their anonymity and prevent their money from unnecessarily entering random psychologists’ bank account. Fine with me.

But you see, it’s rather troublesome. You have to actually write your entire problem, mail it to the newspaper or magazine, wait for God knows how long just to get an advice to your problems. And even that, the columnist might not select your question because it’s not scandalous or sensational enough to intrigue readers or you have relatively illegible handwriting. Isn’t that a big waste of time? Just to get 2 paragraphs of advice that might not even be essential in reality?

I have a better solution for all of you. For you guys who really need to get a piece of advice on certain problems you encounter, just write to me! So far, I have not seen any male advice columnists. There I was thinking, why I not I be the first? Besides, I will answer every question regardless how ridiculous, boring or pathetic it may be. Besides, you don’t have to wait ages for my advice!

Here are a few questions that I’ve answered voluntarily to show you how good I can be at this. ‘Voluntarily’ because nobody actually asked me for the advice and I was just being a busybody. But that’s another story.

Oh oh! And should I be an advice columnist, I’ll call myself Daddy Vince. You know, I’m like the father you will come to for advice when you need one. And no, you are not getting any pocket money from me young lady.

Here goes:

Dear Daddy Vince, I have a friend who is 16 years old this year. Due to her obsession over Victoria Beckham, she picked up the habit of throwing up after every meal, what should I do to help her? - Good Friend

Dear Good Friend, before you do anything, just give your friend two tight slaps for liking Victoria Beckham. She needs to be reminded that Posh is so yesteryear and slaps will do the job. On the throwing up part, just lock the toilet doors, will ya? – Daddy Vince

Dear Daddy Vince, my boyfriend promised to bring me out to dinner for my birthday and I was very excited about it. On my birthday, he stood me up because he had to stay home and watch Chelsea vs Liverpool. He said that it was a very important football match and as a staunch Liverpool supporter, he MUST watch that match. Should I break up with him for choosing football over me? - Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken, My. Goodness. Supporting Liverpool? Pffft, he has really bad taste for football. Obviously, Liverpool got lucky in that match and Meireles’ goal was no more than a fluke. Give Torres some time to settle in, I bet he’ll be so much better than he was with the Reds. Should you break up with him for being a Liverpool fan? Yes, you should. – Daddy Vince

Dear Daddy Vince, I’m a 23 years old plain girl compared to my baby sister. She is only 18 this year but she is very gorgeous. She looks a little like Linda Chung and everywhere she goes, guys tend to go gaga over her. That’s not it, every time I go out with her, guys tend to pay more attention to her and I feel really neglected. People don’t care about me as long as my baby sister is within my vicinity. I’m sick being the ugly duckling! What should I do? – Plain Ugly

Dear Plain Ugly, can I have your sister’s phone number? Would like to ask her out on a date. Thanks. – Daddy Vince

Dear Daddy Vince, I caught my brother secretly drinking my father’s Jack Daniels one afternoon. And when I approached him, he told me that it was a school science project that requires him to taste the liquor and write a report on it. Should I tell my father? – Contemplating

Dear Contemplating, come on, when a boy tells you it’s a science project, it’s a science project. We guys don’t lie. We hate lying. We will never lie in our entire life. What are you going to tell your father? That your brother wanted to work a little harder and score that A? You’re a disappointment, Contemplating! – Daddy Vince

Dear Daddy Vince, my wife complained that I’m a slob. She is constantly nagging every time I leave my socks, shirt or underwear on the floor/bed/sofa/kitchen. She even threatened to kick me out of the house if I don’t clean up my mess. Should I give in to her? – Should I

Dear Should I, you are the man of the house. You tell your woman what to do. Not the other way. If you choose to leave you’re sweaty, sticky and soiled underwear on the dining table, just leave it there. Be a man, do the right thing! If she does kick you out of the house, crash into one of your bro’s place. It’s a blessing in disguise. – Daddy Vince

Dear Daddy Vince, I have a girlfriend who is very suspicious. Every time I talk on the phone, she’ll try her best to eavesdrop. After that, she’ll ask me who I spoke to. If I was on the phone with another girl, she’ll question me as if I was cheating on her. We always end up having a big fight because of her suspicion. What should I do so she will trust me? - Faithful

Dear Faithful, dude, goddamn break up with her, will ya? I just got this phone number of a hot 18 years old chick who looks like Linda Chung. She has a sister who is 23. Since the younger one has the Linda Chung looks, I bet the older one will look like freaking Gong Li! You can have the 23 years old lady as I’m going for the 18 years old one. No need to thank me. – Daddy Vince

Dear Daddy Vince, I think I’m a really bad girlfriend. I’ve been with this guy for almost half a year. He treats me really nicely and I’ve never felt happier than being with him. The problem is, I’ve been cheating on him. Not once, not twice but 7 times. I tend to fall for flings and will end up sleeping with them. It’s nothing serious though, we will usually go our own ways after one night of fun. I’m badly overwhelmed with guilt. Should I confess to my wonderful boyfriend? – Bad Girl

Dear Bad Girl, we need to meet up and discuss your problem. Preferably in a pub. How about this Saturday night? – Daddy Vince

Dear Daddy Vince, I can’t stop spending money on trading cards. Over the years, I’ve been collecting thousands of dollars worth of Pokemon cards. And the buying just never stops. What should I do? – Card Addict

Dear Geek, your question will be duly forwarded to Professor Oak, next time, DON’T EVEN BOTHER WRITING TO ME. – Daddy Vince

Am I good at this or what? I’m so gonna be an advice columnist I tell you! Submit your questions in the comment box and I’ll answer everything. I’m so in it!