Exciting Moments In 2010

People have been wondering why I don’t blog about my personal life. Well, I have been wondering too.

You see, my life is as exciting as CNN. Should I blog about my life in every single post, it will bore the crap out of Confucius and Albert Einstein.

But 2010 has already come to an end. I can’t end my year in the blogosphere without a single post divulging parcels of my life. So I’ve decided to blog about some of the most exciting moments that I’ve experienced through out 2010.

I’m still not quite good at writing about my life, so, apologies if it didn’t churned out the way it suppose to.

1. Started college in January. Yeah, exciting.

2. Celebrated birthday in January too. Nobody knew about my birthday, which is exactly what I wanted. Yeah, exciting.

3. Celebrated Chinese New Year in February. Angpows. Yeah, exciting.

4. Didn’t celebrate anything in March. Or I did celebrate something but forgotten. Oh well. Yeah, exciting.

5. Attended the largest blogger's gathering in Berjaya Times Square courtesy of Nuffnang and Gatsby in April. Yeah, exciting.

6. Celebrated Labour Day in May, Yeah, ex... Oh wait.

7. Didn’t celebrate anything in June. Yeah, exciting.

8. Attended the LG Cookie Monster Party in Neutral Bar. Dressed up as Bill Gates who had a toothache. Or something like that. Yeah, exciting.

9. Celebrated National Day in August. Ohmygawd, flags, fireworks, booze. Yeah, exciting.

10. Watched the FIFA World Cup. Yeah, exciting.

11. Woke up after September ended. Realised it was a waste of time. Oh well. Yeah, exciting.

12. Finished the first part of my A-Level in September. Yeah, exciting.

13. Attended the Nuffnang Vaseline Poolside Party. Took a photo with Jojo Struys. Forgot about what else happened at the party. Yeah, exciting.

14. Had my Cambridge International Examinations in October. Ohmygawd, paper, pens, pencil. Yeah, exciting.

15. Completed my Cambridge International Examinations in November. Yeah, exciting.

16. Went on a solo backpack trip up Penang (just for one night lah) in December. Yeah, exciting.

17. Attended an audition session to be a radio deejay – which I flunked. Oh well. Not so exciting. Shit.

18. Overslept on Christmas Day and missed out on a bunch of activities. Yeah, exciting.

Well, for some reason, I still don’t think I’m good at this personal life thingy. I don’t know why, it just feels, dull. Should have just stick to what I’m good at – bullshitting.

Anyways, Happy New Year folks! Thank you for supporting vincephilosophy.com through out 2010! Hope you will still continue supporting this ridiculous webpage because I need to generate more ad revenues. You see, I have 3 wives to feed, 16 kids to feed, 12 dogs to feed, 18 cats to feed, 24 chickens to feed…(and the bullshit continues)

Cheers!

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Blogs That I DISLIKE

I know it’s not really nice to talk about things that you hate on Christmas. Santa’s gonna be very very angry if you do so.

But screw it; I’ve already been a naughty boy for the whole year. I’m so naughty that Santa actually put toxic waste from factories instead of coal in my stocking/socks/or whatever the heck you call that thing you hang by the fireplace.

So really, there’s no point being a good boy for the last 5 days of 2010.

In my previous post, I’ve listed down a few types of blogs that I find enjoyable, readable and shareable. Today – on this very auspicious day where exactly two thousand and ten years ago, Jesus Christ was born and God knows why Santa Claus came into the picture – I shall talk about some types of blogs that I dislike.

Do note that there will be no links and ‘recommendation’ on which are the blogs that I detest. And don’t bother asking. Ask Santa Claus, perhaps, should you really want to know which the blogs that I’m not in favour of.

Firstly, I hate blogs that criticises others in anonymity. I’ve stumbled upon blogs that really slander other bloggers or personnel without divulging their identity. Heck, even I had that experience of receiving such publicity. Dammit, if you really want to denigrate someone, have the balls to show who you really are. Or at least how you look like – so I would know if you’re the better looking one or I am the better looking one.

There’s this scientific theory about anonymous bloggers who condescends others for the sake of his/her own pleasure. It’s called the No Balls Theory. The theory expressly states that the more an anonymous blogger defames another without having the slightest intention to reveal his/her identity, the smellier his wiener/her fanny will get. This will go on until a certain point where it’s so smelly that people will actually call the fire department whenever he/her is nearby.

It’s a stupid theory, I know. But shit like this happens. So, anonymous bloggers out there who are good for nothing – be prepared to buy lots and lots of deodorant.

Secondly, I don’t fancy blogs with incomprehensible grammatical construction. Here’s a very excellent example (pardon the lack of lala-ness in the following example, I’m really not good at coming up with lala examples):

“Hi hi he he ho I is so sad liao lor she don wan to hugs hugs with me. I is so angry lor when she say she love me but she say she no love me. I is want to jump building liao lor like the alviss kong stupid boy. I see she hugs hugs with the gam mou zai in the sungai wang lor. I wants to kill the gam mou zai liao lor. I will kick him balls until he 67 and pokai and die. And then I is jump down the building liao lor. Haihzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I is so sad. She no love me liao lor. I wants to kill her liao lor. BITCHHHHHH! Haihzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I kill you I kill you I kill you I kill you I kill you! DIEEEEE! I is so sad liao lor.”

This is what the above paragraph actually meant and it can actually be summarized into a sentence:

“That bitch’s a whore, Imma kill her, kill the bastard who shagged her and then kill myself.”

Incomprehensible language, it turns me off big time liao lor. Likewise, I don’t fancy blogs with language that is too grandiloquent or bombastic either. Once again, an example that is worth laughing at:

“As I majestically locomote myself with a brim of confidence into my chamber of slumber, I ascertain that my Signora was on our love bed rolling in the hay passionately with that charming yet revolting little scallywag neighbour of mine. Immensely I am scathed – tortured by this unpleasant, atrocious, flagitious and unspeakable scene that is laid before my sympathetic yet very beautiful blue eyes. I imprecate the diabolical couple. I vouch in the name of Alexander the Great that I shall terminate the life of that man in bed with my wife. I shall then extinguish my missus as I could not bear to see her in the state of infidelity. Lastly, I shall take on my own wretched life as I find no meaning living alone, in despair and great lugubriousness.”

Which in simple English means:

“That bitch’s a whore, Imma kill her, kill the bastard who shagged her and then kill myself.”

It’s so much simpler reading in plain English, I’d say.

Next, I don’t like blogs that uploads ten thousand of photos in it without a single word included. I know lah, picture paints a thousand words, but I don’t think it’s that hard to write a brief description for every photo that was uploaded. I’m not exactly a photographic person, so I don’t really know what it means when I see 27 photos of 2 indistinct shadows standing on an unknown beach with different poses.

This applies to photo-blogs as well. I know you have a very canggih big-ass DSLR or digital camera and you like to show it off by taking freaking lots of photos. But come on lah, don’t be so lazy, write something to tell people what significance your photo is trying to exhibit. UNLESS you are running a blog with photos of naked chicks – that needs no description lah.

Well, I guess these are just some major no-no for me when I read blogs. Actually hor, I’m very easy to please one lah. I just bitch about once in a while only.

But still, Santa is not willing to put me on his Nice-list. Buddha, help me please.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! :D

Oh wait, It's Boxing Day already. Oh well. HAPPY BOXING DAY!

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Blogs That I LIKE

There has been some remarks that the contents in a couple of my recent posts are sexually-related and people were beginning to have the thought that vincephilosophy.com is on its way to become a porn site.

Well, I actually had that notion to make this blog a broadcasting hub of sex scandals and hot naked girls. But there’s like virtually millions of such sites on the world wide web and to think of it, the competition is too intense. So the idea was slashed.

I have also considered uploading self-taken nude photos of myself here. But that will be, I don’t know, obscenely disgusting.

Anyhoos, the point vincephilosphy.com remains as it is. It is still as lame as it could get. Sexually-affiliated post, well, you’ll still get it once in a blue film. So this post will be about the types of blog that interests me. Nothing sexual about it. Very sex-free, no worries.

Before we proceed, I would like to make it distinct that this post is not to blandish, flatter or butter up any bloggers whatsoever. I’m listing a few types of blog that I find likeable and if you’re blog is somewhat relevant to what I’ve scripted, good for you.

In simple English, I am not kissing anyone’s freaking ass. Thank you very much.

Firstly, I love humorous blogs. I always have this pre-conceived impression that bloggers who incorporate humour in their blog posts are a bunch of good-looking, muscular, tall and highly intelligent part of the blogging society.

Being funny is a gift. A funny blogger is like a dumb blonde, everyone think dumb blondes are really stupid but somehow, they are a bunch of chicks you want to sleep with. You guys should totally try sleeping with a funny blogger and then go tell your mates, “Hey I totally slept with that humorous blogger, it feels funny though.”

Ladies, if there you see this funny short boyish-looking blogger who wears a pair of spectacles and authors a freakishly green blog whom you wanna sleep with, I’d say go for it.

Secondly, I like blogs that provide an opinion on any issues. There is a fine deviation between reporting news and opining on news. Some bloggers will just parrot out the latest news on their blogs as if they were running Tamil Nesan. Hello, if I really wanted to know what happened during the election in Bukit Beruntung or which part of Gombak had a landslide, I would read the newspapers.

However, I will press the ‘like’ button if I stumble onto blogs that comment on the latest news. It could be an unbiased comment or it could also be a totally one-sided comment – doesn’t matter. As long as it is an opinion of the blogger himself/herself (placed for the sake of gender equality), I don’t mind spending hours reading it.

You see, everyone can have an opinion. But to actually collect the fortitude and word down your opinions on the Internet, now that’s not easy and it is commendable, even though your comments might be utter bullshit. One who isn’t afraid to voice out his/her remarks in public is one who should be highly regarded. Again, I can illustrate this point with the dumb blonde story again.

Publishing and disseminating your opinions on the Internet is like dating a dumb blonde, people might respect you, laugh at you, ridicule you or even make fun of you; but in the end, you are the one having the most fun out of it.

Of course, this is an exception to those keyboard warriors who prefer to sit behind their computer screens and comment anonymously. That, I tak boleh tahan.

Thirdly, I like blogs that are capable of provoking thoughts and have you exercising your brains. There’s no point reading a blog and find yourself saying this in the end, “Father in heaven, why did you create so many idiots? We already have enough politicians to do the job.”

In this sense, I’m referring to blogs that has a substantive content. Or in simple terms, I enjoy reading blogs that have meanings lah.

Well, I can go on fourthly, fifthly, sixthly, seventhly, one-hundredthly about the blogs that I like, but that will make look stupid, isn’t it. So I’ll just settle for one last point.

I like blogs that are original and that I will presented with contents that I’m seeing for the very first time. Briefly, I would like to relate this liking of mine with an illustration of a dumb blonde scenario. An original blog is like an authentic dumb blonde.

It’s the authentic blonde hair that makes them likeable.

p.s. Stay tuned for my next post on blogs that I dislike. For those of you who hates this post of mine to an extent where you feel like giving a good kick on my balls and calling me short, I don’t blame you for having PMS/erectile dysfunction.

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Do You Watch Porn?

The following may have a certain degree of sexual contents which are not in any way explicit or offensive. IF you are one who cannot accept words like ‘sex’, ‘porn’ and ‘Justin Bieber’, kindly exit this page. Thank you very much here’s your change please come again.

A wise man once told me, “The key to understand a man is to see what genre of pornographic materials he is more inclined towards.” Of course, that wise man was none other than a porno DVD vendor in Petaling Street.

To be honest, pornography is like Justin Bieber. Every guy knows about him, heard of him, seen him before through various form of media but not many guys will publicly admit that they like him. Now, replace every ‘him’ in the previous sentence with ‘porn’ if you really don’t get my point.

Porn has been heavily condemned by society as something evil, diabolical and dare to be said, blasphemous. People seem to have this in-built hatred towards pornographic materials, or at least they appear to hate it. Whenever one talks about porn, the people around him/her will respond with a stunned expression. This will ordinarily be followed by a grammatical construction of “OH MY GOD! You watch porn one ah?! EEEEE YERRRRR! GROSS!”

Okay, what’s the big reaction, bimbo? It’s just porn. That overwhelming response was only appropriate if I was striking a conversation about Justin Bieber. To fully illustrate the effect, kindly replace the phrase ‘watch porn’ with ‘listens to Justin Bieber’ in the last sentence of the previous paragraph.

Enough with irrelevant shits. Back to porn. By the way, I’m not a hater of Justin Bieber. He is a good kid. I just like to make jokes in his name.

Don’t throw plastic bottles at me ah.

Getting someone to admit that they watched/watches/is watching/will watch porn is as challenging as getting the rakyat to love the government. You hardly hear of anyone who willingly acknowledges their encounter with porn. If I tell you that I have never, in my life, watched a single piece of pornographic material, I am goddamn lying through my not-so white teeth hairy nostril (amendments courtesy of TikkoSS).

Oh ya, by pornographic materials I don’t mean scandalous sex tapes of celebrities and aged Malaysian politicians. Those are not considered porn; they are classed under the genre of ‘horror’.

Yes, as far as the normality of society is concerned, pornography is a bad bad thing and that it should be vanished from the surface of Earth and burnt in eternal flames forever ever amen. But there’s this part that I don’t quite comprehend, why is PORNOGRAPHY still the most popular thing on the Internet?

There will only be supply if there is demand. So the demand for porn actually explains why those naked boys and girls with super big stuffs, the camera crew, the directors and the porno DVD peddlers can still keep their jobs without the slightest worry.

Yeap, we are pretty much double-faced. There we are one moment putting pressure on authorities to prohibit pornography; there we are at another moment typing in ‘naked girls/guys/in-between’ on our Google search toolbar.

Before we move on, I would like to strenuously state that I am NOT PROMOTING THE INDULGEMENT OF PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIALS here. I am merely stating my opinions and views on porn. And should the phrase ‘Justin Bieber’ arise in any part of my article, it is obiter and has nothing whatsoever to do with the main subject matter.

I am not suggesting that watching porn is an excellent hobby and everyone should start watching so that it becomes a national pastime. Of course, watching too much porn is an obsession that could lead your life to a state of misery. It will also bring you constant aches on the arm, wrist and sometimes palm.

I am, however, suggesting that watching porn and admitting to it is not so big of a deal. I can boldly say that you, yes the one reading this sentence right now, had somehow experience porn. Had experience watching porn ah, not experience of producing porn. So why the denial, evasive answers and the oh-I’m-so-awfully-holy-that-I-don’t-even-know-how-to-spell-the-word-porn attitude?

By saying so, I guess I’ve indirectly admitted that, I too, had my experiences with porn. Any girls who wanna get fussy with it, I suggest that you come to my room alone and we will have a very detailed discussion about your uneasiness with my experience with porn behind closed doors.

I guess this is still a very awkward social taboo that not many are willing to infringe. Perhaps a lot thinks that admitting to watching porn will somehow cause their penises to be shorten by 5 centimeters. So far, my little champion down there, is still as champion as before. No changes. Still steady.

As for those who really have no slightest clue on what this overrated ‘porn’ thingy really is, I’m not implying that you lying. Just that, the next time you switch on the Internet, try logging on to some other websites besides the regular Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon homepage.

And lastly, vincephilosophy.com is not a porn site lah dammit.

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You Know You Want This Blogger

Congratulations for arriving this page. It is now proven that you want me.

While you're at it, don't hesitate to try me on.

You have officially wasted your bandwidth and time on something that is totally irrelevant to your wellbeing. Thank you very much please come again.

p.s. I'm an asshole, I know.

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Which Type Of Toys You Like?

When I was a kid, my grandparents would usually pamper me with an endless supply of toys. Until today, I still feel a special affinity with toys. I still find them a part of my soul, just like a Horcrux. Yeah, I actually took out one of my souls and kept it in a Buzz Lightyear figurine.

Back in my time, Lego wasn't this canggih. I vividly remember mine being a bucket filled with lots and lots of big cuboid blocks of pointy surfaces on it. We have to actually build something out of nothing based on our creativity and imagination. Now? The Lego can readily talk and do your homework for you, I think.

Ah, I remember playing Beyblades as well. The modern gasing. I remember investing a good sum of pocket money on these little babies. And realising how stupid I was.

Hot wheels is something of a luxury to me. Never really had a complete set of Hot Wheels track and accessories. But I do have a fair collection of the miniature cars. One of my pride as a kid, I say. Good thing there isn't a need to pay road tax for those cars.

I guess Hot Wheels is the alternative to my dream Nissan 370z. At least I can afford a Hot Wheels version of the 370z. Or I could even afford 2 of 'em.

Or I could be a little more realistic and tell people that I can afford a Mercedes-Benz. At least someone will believe me.

And Toy Story. OMG. It was my life back then. I literally worshiped the guys from Toy Story. No joke, I actually thought Woody was the angmo version of Tua Pek Gong.

Another children's favourite back in the 90's. Power Rangers. I always liked the white one. But to think, it looks kinda gay to be wearing striking tights that wraps your whole body.

But when you're a kid, you have no sense of fashion. Power Ranger is cool no matter how homo they may possibly look like.

But well, as I grow up, it's really necessary to leave these toys behind us and move forward. I can't live in my childhood forever, no matter how much I adore it, miss it and yearns it. Living in the past is not the way.

It's about time to grow up.

It's about time I learn to be an adult.

And play what an adult would usually play.

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Man Wee Wee In Public CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

It has come to my comprehension that these are ATMs.

If I am not mistaken, ATMs are for people to make transactions involving money. But if you wanna pee..

Bloody hell, go toilet lah.

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Malaysians Driver Are Unique

Was at One-Utama a few weeks ago when I captured the following photo.

Yeah, it's pretty typical. We Malaysian drivers just love to do what society and authorities don't want us to. Yes, it's a unique feature that is instilled in most hardcore Malaysians. It's like every single individual that are made in Malaysia will stop maturing upon hitting puberty. Most of us are still stuck at the 'rebellious-like-hell teenagers' stage.

Yeah, even I can't resist the temptation to be a stubborn little bugger who will not abide by the rules if I'm given the option. Especially on the road.

Actually, we Malaysian drivers are really special. We only abide to the following undocumented rules. It's in fact, a national practice of most Malaysian drivers.

1. 1. We can park anywhere we fancy as long as there is a tiny space sufficient for other cars to squeeze through. This is also popularly known as 'double parking'. No, it's not wrong. Everyone is doing it, you should too. Why pay RM0.50 for the one-hour parking? I might as well use the RM0.50 to buy toilet paper.
   
   
2. 2. If there are no available parking lots on the road, we should park on the pavements. Yeah dammit those stupid pedestrians are so skinny, they sure can manoeuvre themselves one. If they unhappy then ask them to go walk somewhere else or go fly kite lah.
   
   
3. 3. Whenever we drive on a highway, we must cuss the driver in front of us for being slow. We must yell at the fella in front as if he can hear us. Carry on by asking him to bugger off to the left side of the road if he wants to continue his 'slow-coach sightseeing'. Obscene finger gesture is optional.
   
   
4. 4. Likewise, if someone tailgates us, we must also curse the driver behind us for driving so fast. Keep looking into the rear mirror and ask him to bugger off to the right side of the road. This may be followed by a stern threat that you will step on the brakes and let him bang your ass (car's ass, I mean). Obscene finger gesture is also optional.
   
   
5. 5. We have to constantly rant about how terrible our road conditions are, but we should not bother to make any reports to the public works department. Somebody else will do, it doesn't matter. Don't waste our phone's credit.
   
   
6. 6. When the public works department do send people over to repair the road, we must inevitably say "I bet within 1 week the road will condemn again, look at how they patch the road" or "I guarantee this road will be kanasai by this weekend judging from their shoddy workmanship". And amazingly, it is usually true.
   
   
7. 7. Approaching a junction, if we see a 'no-entry' sign, we must turn in and proudly tell the passenger beside us, "no car what".
   
   
8. 8. When we see another motorist committing a traffic offence, we need to shake our heads and criticize them for being foolish. If we were the ones who are committing it, we must try our level best to reason it and make our offence sound like an instruction from God and your deceased ancestors.
   
   
9. 9. If someone cuts us off without signalling, we must blast our honks for a minimum 32 seconds. Additional flashing is also encouraged as the driver in front might be deaf and couldn't hear your blazing honking. Obscene finger gesture is optional.
   
   
10. 10. When we cut someone off without signalling, we just have to tell ourselves that the other bugger is an impatient bastard when he starts honking. Let him honk and flash all he wants. He needs it. Again, you are not at fault, always remember that.
    
    
11. 11. Should we get stopped by a police, it is always wise to smile and have a RM50 note prepared in your fist.
    
    
12. 12. If the RM50 did not work and you still receive a ticket in the end, just ignore it. The police will forget about your ticket eventually. Or you might have already died of old-age by the time they come knocking on your door asking you to pay up your fines.
    
    

You see, it's not that hard to be a true Malaysian driver. When they say 1Malaysia, they actually meant we drivers in Malaysia are one of a kind. Not happy? Go fly kite.

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